The real monsters.

[jeh]

I would like to echo the sentiment of others that your original was pretty good, and that it definitely had potential, and that the revision is just not the right direction. I personally liked your original draft. I think if you expanded it that it would be very fun to read. It did have a certain generic-ish poetry feel to it, so fleshing it out with more detail would definitely improve it, but sometimes wrapping up quickly is not a bad thing (in my personal opinion).



Revision one 
Under the bed 
and in the closet
Is where the scattered trace 
of what humanity is left lies.
For they bring about their 
guns, their gods, and their government.
These primal excuses of evolution 
Ignore the truth that is
When the sun burns out the sky 
Donald Trump will not be there for you.
[/quote]