04-07-2016, 06:31 AM
hey dude 
3:00 AM - I would cut this out. Not needed, it's a really cliche start, and it brings this poem down to earth too much. The rest of the poem is so ethereal and other worldly (which i love) that giving it a time is kind of a bummer and hold its back.
too tired to know what raised me - great line
these hallways carry a different kind of silence
an old silence
a last vestige of those who have gone before
in the corridors of the mad - corridors of the mad is too teeny and too easy... this is a huge opportunity to be very creative - highly reccomend revisiting this line.
she was lost in a skewed space
he would follow, but for now
she was half dream, half ethereal - this section is too choppy. the way 'but for now' ends on a line is incoherent (in a bad way).
far too distant for me
to see past distant eyes,
then another, my feet were cold, his eyes
were embers - too me, this line would have been MUCH more powerful if "his eyes were embers" was not serperated. Keep it on one line, also letting the first line end with "my feet were cold" gives more depth to that idea, which is too quickly scuttled away by "his eyes" in the current form.
an evil as ancient
as the spawning of Gods,
and I sleep - again, another opportunity to be highly creative. I would advise you revisit this. The 'sleep' is a little cliche - as is 'the spawning of Gods'
I can definitely see what you're after, and I think you're very close to having a really great poem. Good job
3:00 AM - I would cut this out. Not needed, it's a really cliche start, and it brings this poem down to earth too much. The rest of the poem is so ethereal and other worldly (which i love) that giving it a time is kind of a bummer and hold its back.
too tired to know what raised me - great line
these hallways carry a different kind of silence
an old silence
a last vestige of those who have gone before
in the corridors of the mad - corridors of the mad is too teeny and too easy... this is a huge opportunity to be very creative - highly reccomend revisiting this line.
she was lost in a skewed space
he would follow, but for now
she was half dream, half ethereal - this section is too choppy. the way 'but for now' ends on a line is incoherent (in a bad way).
far too distant for me
to see past distant eyes,
then another, my feet were cold, his eyes
were embers - too me, this line would have been MUCH more powerful if "his eyes were embers" was not serperated. Keep it on one line, also letting the first line end with "my feet were cold" gives more depth to that idea, which is too quickly scuttled away by "his eyes" in the current form.
an evil as ancient
as the spawning of Gods,
and I sleep - again, another opportunity to be highly creative. I would advise you revisit this. The 'sleep' is a little cliche - as is 'the spawning of Gods'
I can definitely see what you're after, and I think you're very close to having a really great poem. Good job