04-06-2016, 11:08 AM
(03-14-2016, 09:53 AM)TonyMahoney Wrote: Loneliness owns everything,I loved your rhyme scheme here. I found this poem to be beautifully written and highly identifiable. Great job!
in the hearts of crippled men. Great opening! I love the diction of "crippled," it keeps the reader interested, wanting to understand what it is that has made them this way.
Walking down the path of fools, Nice!
back through what could have been.
Every word unspoken,
an indictment from on high. The phrase "from on high" disturbed the flow of the poem for me. Is there a stronger phrase you can replace this with? Look at your word choice here.
No consolation to be found,
in understanding why. This is brilliant. It rings true, and is highly relatable.
Of course you know it's all your fault,
there's no one else to blame.
The guilt is yours alone to bare,
as is the crushing shame.
The others used to come around,
and you felt more alone.
They might not have wasted their time,
had any of them known.
All the things you could have done,
the changes that weren't made.
The friends that left you far behind,
the bitterness that stayed. Nice!
All the chances you won't take,
so certain you can't win.
Loneliness owns everything,
in the hearts of crippled men.

