Daliesque

[REW]

'ello Casey, some thoughts:

first off I think you may want to re-visit where you've placed your lines breaks - as they are you're a little disconcerting. Example:

and there is tiny you
small as ginger root
on the cutting board
in My kitchen.

You've broken your phrase into little wee bits. This could be three lines. This could even be two.

I want to chop you up, but I can’t
get the friggin knife in the house past the handle;

Love to see you break this line at "up". As it stands it's a strange place to break the thought.

and I could smile again when silver reflected the
sun and it looked like love.

Breaking your first line after "silver" or "reflected" would work, but I don't think you're good ending with "the".

A few more thoughts:

Vapor screams anguish like a raging teapot
of the thousand times I died for you

What? Lost me.

I think you need to build on saddle a bit - as it stands its kinda coming out of left field.

Digging your work with the large knife - expanding into this notion of it not fitting through the door is a  nice touch.

There's promise here. I look forward to reading more of yours. Hope this is helpful.

- Matt

Hello Matt,

Sorry for the late response...been overwhelmed with some happenings...

I appreciate your feedback and have noted issues with line breaks.  

As for the daliesque bit, I didn't interpret the term as having to literally be about Dali, but more an impression and possible mimicry of his style.  Since this obviously wasn't a painting, I tried to capture the feel of one of his paintings while adding my own bit too it.  It wasn't a literal written representation of his works.

I suppose I could have misinterpreted the term.  A hobby of mine is to be very exact in the terms I use or represent...perhaps I failed???  Anyway, thank you.

---

I could identify a few objects from 'Persistence of memory' - namely the clock and the saddle, but not all.
The soup, for instance, or the teapot.
Might be a better idea to focus on a specific painting, otherwise the allusions are lost on all but the Dali expert.

EDIT: I didn't quite get the second stanza. If you couldn't get through the door, how did you throw the dude into the soup pot? It's there in 'Then I know what to do', but that doesn't explain a lot. Overall, I liked the story in the poem - I generally love the bizarre and bizarrely funny, which this piece is. If you work on making the transition from I to II less cryptic, I'd like it even more!

Thank you Achebe,

I was trying to represent the term, "Daliesque" and not a particular painting.

I appreciate the feedback.  I am going to have to think about this...

---

Daliesque
 
I.
The knife is longer
than the whole damn street
and there is tiny you,                   (maybe add these 2 commas?)
small as ginger root,
on the cutting board
in My kitchen.                        (You don't need capital "My": this is good, strong verse on its own)
 
My pale Queen Kong hand
can barely fit through the door.     (maybe "barely fits through the door"?)
I want to chop you up, but I can’t
get the friggin knife in the house past the handle;             ("friggin" sounds out of place here)
the clock is bubbling on the stove.                     (how is the bubbling clock related to the knife?)
Vapor screams anguish like a raging teapot
of the thousand times I died for you.                 (this line could be stronger)
 
Then I know what to do.
 
II.
…The soup was delicious, everyone said so,               (comma)
as they dipped their spoons into the swimming pool    (perhaps "dipping their spoons"?)
where sorrow, hate, and evil drowned                        (sorrow et al are cliche)
and I could smile again when silver reflected the     (I try to not split articles between lines)
sun and it looked like love.
I could finally throw out the oiled saddle rippling into sand;
Free free free
from your chewy gristle never
to be ridden again.                    (strong ending: best 4 lines of the poem)

---

So I am doing a project.  Basically I am in love with the dictionary and I go through and find a word.  This is a dictionary piece.

I hope my comments are helpful: I think this needs some revision, but overall it is solid and well-written, with some strong lines and contrasts.

Thank you Nester,

I will take your remarks into account for the revision process.