04-03-2016, 06:08 PM
I completely agree with Erthona. The first half is very promising. The way you (Erthona) dissected the first half was very clear and easy to follow. 
The second half could use a slight fix.
In the line: "Thither they are afar from your short arms". Perhaps you could say "far they are from your short arms".
Line 10 says "To grow bigger than your neighbours display". Might sound better (perhaps slightly more childish lol) with "...bigger[and bigger] than...". Also a spelling correction for neighbors.
However, the last four lines are almost incomprehensible. The structure doesn't quite work. I do understand where you're going though, maybe cut those lines and replace with one last line that doesn't rhyme but leads back to your central thought of the entire poem. That way it may seem slightly more dramatic and meaningful and memorable. Overall, great job!
Sorry if I wasn't much help or said somethings that weren't accurate. Never been one for poetry until this year lol
The second half could use a slight fix. In the line: "Thither they are afar from your short arms". Perhaps you could say "far they are from your short arms".
Line 10 says "To grow bigger than your neighbours display". Might sound better (perhaps slightly more childish lol) with "...bigger[and bigger] than...". Also a spelling correction for neighbors.
However, the last four lines are almost incomprehensible. The structure doesn't quite work. I do understand where you're going though, maybe cut those lines and replace with one last line that doesn't rhyme but leads back to your central thought of the entire poem. That way it may seem slightly more dramatic and meaningful and memorable. Overall, great job!
Sorry if I wasn't much help or said somethings that weren't accurate. Never been one for poetry until this year lol