04-01-2016, 06:38 AM
an old silence
You could edit this line since the next line says it in more detail.
in the corridors of the mad
I don't like this, you have already established the scene with 'hallways' and mad is a broad abstract, too many meanings to be effective.
she was (lost) in a skewed space
he would follow, but for now
she was (half dream, half ethereal)
far too distant for me
to see past distant eyes,
The use of 'he' and 'she' make this seem impersonal, 'half dream' is vague, 'half ethereal' is telling not showing.
then another, my feet were cold, his eyes
were embers
an evil as ancient
as the spawning of Gods,
and I sleep
Not sure what your 'cold feet' have to do with it. 'eyes were embers' is close to a cliche of evil. I like how the ending brings the reader back to the 3 AM title.
It's painful but I suggest you can do more with this, make the he and she into more real people with greater detail, not abstractions, not modifiers but images the reader can work with.
You could edit this line since the next line says it in more detail.
in the corridors of the mad
I don't like this, you have already established the scene with 'hallways' and mad is a broad abstract, too many meanings to be effective.
she was (lost) in a skewed space
he would follow, but for now
she was (half dream, half ethereal)
far too distant for me
to see past distant eyes,
The use of 'he' and 'she' make this seem impersonal, 'half dream' is vague, 'half ethereal' is telling not showing.
then another, my feet were cold, his eyes
were embers
an evil as ancient
as the spawning of Gods,
and I sleep
Not sure what your 'cold feet' have to do with it. 'eyes were embers' is close to a cliche of evil. I like how the ending brings the reader back to the 3 AM title.
It's painful but I suggest you can do more with this, make the he and she into more real people with greater detail, not abstractions, not modifiers but images the reader can work with.