03-31-2016, 10:30 PM
I prefer the new edit.
From what I've seen, Comma here is unnecessary, I think.
of this place that pretends to be home,
love's a shot of Sambuca to oblivion:
empty but chatters like it's full.
The two removed lines at first reading felt somewhat important, but that edit compared to this, yeah, the piece did seem to die at those lines -- too much description, perhaps, but with the same impact-per-line. The last line here, "empty but chatter like it's full", punches the whole point perfectly, and with the stanza break, perfectly enough, on its own.
Here, connections conform
to a 3 mile radius of oedipal options,
where a simple, stupid, drunken choice is made—
I rather liked "and pettiness falls for desperation---" -- it may have been less evocative, but it did help to make the ending more grand, did in its connected abstractness uplift the point of the choice. Rather you returned it.
here, in this place that pretends to be home.
From what I've seen, Comma here is unnecessary, I think.
of this place that pretends to be home,
love's a shot of Sambuca to oblivion:
empty but chatters like it's full.
The two removed lines at first reading felt somewhat important, but that edit compared to this, yeah, the piece did seem to die at those lines -- too much description, perhaps, but with the same impact-per-line. The last line here, "empty but chatter like it's full", punches the whole point perfectly, and with the stanza break, perfectly enough, on its own.
Here, connections conform
to a 3 mile radius of oedipal options,
where a simple, stupid, drunken choice is made—
I rather liked "and pettiness falls for desperation---" -- it may have been less evocative, but it did help to make the ending more grand, did in its connected abstractness uplift the point of the choice. Rather you returned it.
here, in this place that pretends to be home.