03-31-2016, 07:49 PM
(03-31-2016, 07:00 PM)Weeded Wrote: I thought you stopped writing poetry Shem, now I see why.often a true word is spoken in jest
Hahaha just kidding, I just had to use that corny line for some reason.
But foreally, this is dope! I had to google Sambuca, never heard of it. I see you just edited... But I kinda like the original more.. One of my favorite parts was the way it flowed from dismal into full.
Makes me wanna hit the bar
anyway, thanks for reading!(03-31-2016, 07:01 PM)ellajam Wrote: sweet edit, good choices, shem.cheers big ears! X
Welcome to the site, egr.
(03-31-2016, 07:19 PM)Keith Wrote: Hi Shemthanks for reading.
I really enjoyed the the original, I like the decayed image and lost off beat quietness it conveys, but for me the edit feel like its been rushed and some of the good stuff has been lost. Also for me a pub has a smell and I would have liked that to be included to add to the whole tone of grim and dismal also the idea of pettiness falling for desperation was nearly my favorite line as it is so true only I would swap pettiness for apathy but I guess that how I see it...your poem. I really like the last line as it leaves the reader coming back to the question of what kind of home would this be. Nice job. Keith
yeah, the edit was a little, maybe not rushed, but certainly brutal. there is possibly a happier medium between the original and edit that could be reached. i will think on.
and ahh, curse you! you have made me think twice about the 'falling for' line. . . i really like the suggestion of 'apathy', it is a far better word capturing the arbitrariness of a certain type of 'romantic' entanglement.
i also did think about giving a fuller description of the pub [pubs in general], including smells; yet, i have written a ton of poems about pubs in the past, and would have personally felt like i was retreading old ground, just for the sake of it.
also, the reason i like the edit, is because it kind of seems more in keeping with the scope of the poem. it is more like a joycean aphorism, keeping only what is absolutely necessary. i don't know, but you have made me think. thanks again.