03-31-2016, 07:19 PM
Hi Shem
I really enjoyed the the original, I like the decayed image and lost off beat quietness it conveys, but for me the edit feel like its been rushed and some of the good stuff has been lost. Also for me a pub has a smell and I would have liked that to be included to add to the whole tone of grim and dismal also the idea of pettiness falling for desperation was nearly my favorite line as it is so true only I would swap pettiness for apathy but I guess that how I see it...your poem. I really like the last line as it leaves the reader coming back to the question of what kind of home would this be. Nice job. Keith
I really enjoyed the the original, I like the decayed image and lost off beat quietness it conveys, but for me the edit feel like its been rushed and some of the good stuff has been lost. Also for me a pub has a smell and I would have liked that to be included to add to the whole tone of grim and dismal also the idea of pettiness falling for desperation was nearly my favorite line as it is so true only I would swap pettiness for apathy but I guess that how I see it...your poem. I really like the last line as it leaves the reader coming back to the question of what kind of home would this be. Nice job. Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out