03-31-2016, 06:39 PM
hello,
thank you for reading. i think you have hit the nail on the head with your critical points. grim and dismal, though i am not sure redundant are pretty lazy. and the the two lines following the "empty. . ." line are predictable, in the sense that the rule of 3 comes into play and two further contradictory images are expected. i would, however, if i were more confident about this 'poem', argue that although predictable within context, taken independently, this line is quite interesting; as in, the Going Train* of a clock or watch mechanism runs but doesn't go, etc. and although 'stopped in its tracks' is cliche [i like this phrase so much that i have used it in a few poems, thus making it a cliche within my own stuff, turning it into a double cliche - never good] i think it fits quite uniquely with the Going Train watch mechanism image.
and my god, yes, the 'pettiness' line is awful. if the poem wasn't abstract enough, this line tips it over the edge. it was a far more prosaic line to begin with [as was the poem itself] "a. . . choice is made / with varying parameters of pettiness and desperation". but, again, laziness dictated the change, and i made the rookie mistake of letting myself get carried away with my own idea, trying to force the personification of an abstract without doing the leg work.
in short, it lacks substance, but has a few elements that are salvageable. i doubt i will change it, but some of the lines might end up in something better in the future, if i ever find the will to actually write a proper poem again - but like my magic 8 ball once predicted: -NO-
*it has come to my attention 'Going Train' [as in the cog mechanism in a watch or clock] isn't a term that is widely known. in which case, the reasons for keeping it would be idiosyncratic at best.
thank you for reading. i think you have hit the nail on the head with your critical points. grim and dismal, though i am not sure redundant are pretty lazy. and the the two lines following the "empty. . ." line are predictable, in the sense that the rule of 3 comes into play and two further contradictory images are expected. i would, however, if i were more confident about this 'poem', argue that although predictable within context, taken independently, this line is quite interesting; as in, the Going Train* of a clock or watch mechanism runs but doesn't go, etc. and although 'stopped in its tracks' is cliche [i like this phrase so much that i have used it in a few poems, thus making it a cliche within my own stuff, turning it into a double cliche - never good] i think it fits quite uniquely with the Going Train watch mechanism image.
and my god, yes, the 'pettiness' line is awful. if the poem wasn't abstract enough, this line tips it over the edge. it was a far more prosaic line to begin with [as was the poem itself] "a. . . choice is made / with varying parameters of pettiness and desperation". but, again, laziness dictated the change, and i made the rookie mistake of letting myself get carried away with my own idea, trying to force the personification of an abstract without doing the leg work.
in short, it lacks substance, but has a few elements that are salvageable. i doubt i will change it, but some of the lines might end up in something better in the future, if i ever find the will to actually write a proper poem again - but like my magic 8 ball once predicted: -NO-
*it has come to my attention 'Going Train' [as in the cog mechanism in a watch or clock] isn't a term that is widely known. in which case, the reasons for keeping it would be idiosyncratic at best.
(03-31-2016, 11:24 AM)egr Wrote: Hi!
I like this little poem.
"Sambuca" and "oedipal" are sexy.
Adjectives "grim" and "dismal" are a bit redundant, though reading them aloud they do sound OK together.
You really hit it with "empty but chatters like it's full"; the next two lines are a bit predictable to me, but the metaphors work.
In "simple, stupid, drunken" each adjective is independent and has a natural enunciation that further draws out the meaning.
Not sure I like "pettiness falls for desperation"--I'm trying to picture it, but it's not conjuring.
Love the repitition of "place that pretends to be home."
Thanks for sharing!
EGR