03-31-2016, 11:24 AM
Hi!
I like this little poem.
"Sambuca" and "oedipal" are sexy.
Adjectives "grim" and "dismal" are a bit redundant, though reading them aloud they do sound OK together.
You really hit it with "empty but chatters like it's full"; the next two lines are a bit predictable to me, but the metaphors work.
In "simple, stupid, drunken" each adjective is independent and has a natural enunciation that further draws out the meaning.
Not sure I like "pettiness falls for desperation"--I'm trying to picture it, but it's not conjuring.
Love the repitition of "place that pretends to be home."
Thanks for sharing!
EGR
I like this little poem.
"Sambuca" and "oedipal" are sexy.
Adjectives "grim" and "dismal" are a bit redundant, though reading them aloud they do sound OK together.
You really hit it with "empty but chatters like it's full"; the next two lines are a bit predictable to me, but the metaphors work.
In "simple, stupid, drunken" each adjective is independent and has a natural enunciation that further draws out the meaning.
Not sure I like "pettiness falls for desperation"--I'm trying to picture it, but it's not conjuring.
Love the repitition of "place that pretends to be home."
Thanks for sharing!
EGR