03-30-2016, 02:06 PM
The fact that this is fourteen lines and consistently rhymed is what made me try to read it as a sonnet. Doing so is impossible. The meter is wildly inconsistent, not just in syllable count but also in stress. Aside from oddly chosen, but perhaps not useless archaisms, the language of the the piece is actually pretty fair. Unlike the previous critiques, I'm not at all lost on the meaning. It may be able to be compressed a bit further. Fourteen lines is a bit much for this idea. That might be tough, since I suspect you settled on fourteen lines before writing (not saying that is bad, just that it would require a lot more purpose to choose the structure and length beforehand, in my opinion).
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona