03-29-2016, 01:35 AM
(03-18-2016, 09:59 AM)DC Black Wrote: I'm leaving us my love, (You could make this a declaration. "I'm leaving" If you really want to give it a punch call her by name)
my reckless entanglement, (What are you trying to say in line 3,4,5? The reckless entanglement is the relationship, right? What's the mad long descent?)
my fucking mad, headlong descent
into today.
You swore we'd die entwined (this is a bit dramatic)
in each other,
loving each other.
Give me a chance you said, (Get rid of the "you said" here)
to prove my love, you said.
Ha! you had me there,
I didn't ever see this coming, (didn't see what coming?)
This cold, this freezing cold,
I'd have taken hatred any day.
Didn't I deserve that,
at least that?
Didn't I, my love?
Ultimately, I think you need a little more detail. I don't know why you're leaving, I do know you're angry, but that's all I know. Hope that helps.