03-28-2016, 06:36 AM
Hey Mr Mal, there's nothing here that we're going to censor in any way. This is what poetry is about -- experiencing the world, putting words around it and letting others experience it your way. Now, you're not going to write spectacular stuff in four weeks but you've got a beginning here and it's fair to say that with more time under your belt, you might even find yourself turning into a poet. Don't get too excited, because that's not the easiest thing in the world to be 
First up: I get why you've done it in this case, but try not to preface your work because it comes across as an apology and if you believe in it, the last thing you want to be doing is giving people a reason to think you're not fully invested.
Second: It's easy enough to do if you're in a rush, but here (like most places on the internet) a typo can get you torn to bits. You've got the wrong their/they're/there and I'll let you choose the right one because I'm kind like that.
Third: There's a great "rule" (there aren't any real rules in poetry, but there are some things that make it stronger and it's a good idea to explore them) that says "show, don't tell". You run the risk, like many beginners, of preaching -- and I don't know about you, but preaching turns me right off and makes me want to argue. Think of a concrete example of consumerism and describe it -- it might be an event, real or imagined, to stand for what you're trying to say -- like lining up grandmas in the bazaar with price tags tattooed on their foreheads, or something. I'm reaching cos it's not my poem
. You could explore the undead gangstas idea a bit more, draw out that image, describe their bling-draped bits littering the ground where tuxedos once trod. Plenty of opportunity for imagery to stand for ideas.
Fourth: I like your "oh what a time" refrain. I like your ideas. That they're not new is not relevant -- nothing we can write about is particularly new, but there are new ways to write about old thoughts. This is worth developing, if not with this exact poem (though no reason why not) then through exploring other forms and styles of poetry.
Play with words, images, concepts, metaphors. That's what poetry is about. And don't be concerned about offending people -- we'll let you know if you cross a line but it's a long way away from what you've written. The only thing that really offends us here is people not dealing well with criticism, and people thinking they already know it all. Nobody does -- but some are less ignorant than others
If you remember that every comment is criticising something about your poem, not about you personally, then you'll get on famously here. We want you to improve. The world needs more good poets, who don't write about butterflies and bunnies.
First up: I get why you've done it in this case, but try not to preface your work because it comes across as an apology and if you believe in it, the last thing you want to be doing is giving people a reason to think you're not fully invested.
Second: It's easy enough to do if you're in a rush, but here (like most places on the internet) a typo can get you torn to bits. You've got the wrong their/they're/there and I'll let you choose the right one because I'm kind like that.
Third: There's a great "rule" (there aren't any real rules in poetry, but there are some things that make it stronger and it's a good idea to explore them) that says "show, don't tell". You run the risk, like many beginners, of preaching -- and I don't know about you, but preaching turns me right off and makes me want to argue. Think of a concrete example of consumerism and describe it -- it might be an event, real or imagined, to stand for what you're trying to say -- like lining up grandmas in the bazaar with price tags tattooed on their foreheads, or something. I'm reaching cos it's not my poem
. You could explore the undead gangstas idea a bit more, draw out that image, describe their bling-draped bits littering the ground where tuxedos once trod. Plenty of opportunity for imagery to stand for ideas.Fourth: I like your "oh what a time" refrain. I like your ideas. That they're not new is not relevant -- nothing we can write about is particularly new, but there are new ways to write about old thoughts. This is worth developing, if not with this exact poem (though no reason why not) then through exploring other forms and styles of poetry.
Play with words, images, concepts, metaphors. That's what poetry is about. And don't be concerned about offending people -- we'll let you know if you cross a line but it's a long way away from what you've written. The only thing that really offends us here is people not dealing well with criticism, and people thinking they already know it all. Nobody does -- but some are less ignorant than others
If you remember that every comment is criticising something about your poem, not about you personally, then you'll get on famously here. We want you to improve. The world needs more good poets, who don't write about butterflies and bunnies.
It could be worse