03-26-2016, 02:39 PM
Thanks for the critique, Leanne!
I'm not sure what the extent of the first part you're talking about is -- whether it's about the first sentence, where the I's are gone, or the bit about the tattoo then the drops of dew. Nevertheless, I've returned the I's.
As for the title, it's a tiny reference to obviously "Ariel", slightly less obviously "Daddy", and perhaps way less obviously Duchamp's "Why Not Sneeze, Rose Selavy?", which is also referred to throughout the poem. I agree it's a bit too, er, cheesy, but I'll keep it for now, if only because I can't think of a better title. The original title was "Beyond Ariel", but that sounds, I dunno, too reverential, and it ignores the Duchamp bit, which I want to lay out straight on the onset -- and "Ariel Sneezes", of course, is essentially the same as the present one, but less referential.
I'm not sure what the extent of the first part you're talking about is -- whether it's about the first sentence, where the I's are gone, or the bit about the tattoo then the drops of dew. Nevertheless, I've returned the I's.
As for the title, it's a tiny reference to obviously "Ariel", slightly less obviously "Daddy", and perhaps way less obviously Duchamp's "Why Not Sneeze, Rose Selavy?", which is also referred to throughout the poem. I agree it's a bit too, er, cheesy, but I'll keep it for now, if only because I can't think of a better title. The original title was "Beyond Ariel", but that sounds, I dunno, too reverential, and it ignores the Duchamp bit, which I want to lay out straight on the onset -- and "Ariel Sneezes", of course, is essentially the same as the present one, but less referential.