Soliloquy

[ellajam]

Well, I, for one, enjoyed reading a piece using white space, for me there are places where it is successful and some spots not so much, but it is not in my toolbox and lately I have been trying to to attempt its use, so thank you for posting it here. Disclaimer: I remember nothing of Descartes and won't google until after I crit, so here goes, just an average reader. Oh, and welcome to the Pen.

Soliloquy

I am    good break
drawing smart this string slipped  I'm up in the air on "smart", a little over-alliterated, maybe.
    loop-ways ‘round my index finger
        watching all that    delicious    colour   
                                                              hurry
                                                                          out of it, Strong four lines.
                                                                                                                               solipsism. This was too far away for me, and in truth I don't think you need to say it.
filling up the    vacancy    with    yum— I think "vacancy" says what it means and doesn't need the white space.
 
suddenly
I’ve lost grasp of it and it                     falls I think I'd just prefer "falls" on its own line without the space.
between my hungry fingertips, I still get stopped on "hungry", huh?
falling     with a supple flourish of aerial panache, Love the white space here, I could lose supple.
it     falls     out of hand and into the hole,    fallen I'd lose the white space before "falls".
 
—if only it was so crude as a god
     standing over, rug in hand, smirk slapped
                     sardonically across face— I don't understand "rug in hand" but it didn't stop me from enjoying these three lines.
 
           falling/it’s fallen/to fall/it’s falling/it falls/
                                         when did it                     fall  ?
the string will   
                      fall        
                                 forever,    I think

So, that's what I've got, except for the advice to stick to your guns when you think it's best for the poem.