03-26-2016, 02:39 AM
Hi 71,
This is a marvelous poem which I am surprised has not attracted more comment. Stanza four is a stunning description of at least the physical part of the relationship - a unique combination of intimate and casual and unpremeditated. I assume this is set in NY, what with a meaningful notation of “our slice of space”.
The only line I have a suggestion for is the first. Consider something like, “One spring we lived in the city of sex”. That would remove the awkward grammatical construction. I don’t have a problem with awkward grammatical constructions if they advance the poem. I don’t see that this does. In fact, the change could clean up the syntax for line two as well. Just my thought, it may not work for your purposes.
The other thing I wanted to comment on is the phrase American Beauties. I understand the intended references to include the seed brand, the pageant, and the movie American Beauty. Because each reference seems to work well, and in overlapping ways, this is a wonderful anchor for the poem. Flowers under the American Beauties seed brand label certainly blossom in lovely arrays and the pageant also displays blossoming female beauty. The movie American Beauty centers on a relationship involving, among other things, a young girl’s emerging sexuality. That is the reference which has me most considering the closing lines. It is almost like the poem suggests an alternate ending to the movie. A different sequence - there has been a change in [our] story.
I also note that the closing lines strike me as the near mirror-image of the closing lines of A Blessing by James Wright. It suggests the flip-side of that emotion. Beautiful and sad. Another reason to love the poem.
T
This is a marvelous poem which I am surprised has not attracted more comment. Stanza four is a stunning description of at least the physical part of the relationship - a unique combination of intimate and casual and unpremeditated. I assume this is set in NY, what with a meaningful notation of “our slice of space”.
The only line I have a suggestion for is the first. Consider something like, “One spring we lived in the city of sex”. That would remove the awkward grammatical construction. I don’t have a problem with awkward grammatical constructions if they advance the poem. I don’t see that this does. In fact, the change could clean up the syntax for line two as well. Just my thought, it may not work for your purposes.
The other thing I wanted to comment on is the phrase American Beauties. I understand the intended references to include the seed brand, the pageant, and the movie American Beauty. Because each reference seems to work well, and in overlapping ways, this is a wonderful anchor for the poem. Flowers under the American Beauties seed brand label certainly blossom in lovely arrays and the pageant also displays blossoming female beauty. The movie American Beauty centers on a relationship involving, among other things, a young girl’s emerging sexuality. That is the reference which has me most considering the closing lines. It is almost like the poem suggests an alternate ending to the movie. A different sequence - there has been a change in [our] story.
I also note that the closing lines strike me as the near mirror-image of the closing lines of A Blessing by James Wright. It suggests the flip-side of that emotion. Beautiful and sad. Another reason to love the poem.
T