03-26-2016, 12:54 AM
(03-23-2016, 08:43 PM)Julius Wrote: The Chocolate Egg
A child sits between
his mother and
a Victorian radiator.
Held tightly,
a foil encased
chocolate egg.
Restless eyes scan
an empty cross
above adult heads.
Somewhere
a distant voice talks of
hatred,
death,
resurrection.
As the child wonders why
the egg is going soft.
Hi,
I really liked the way you ended it. For the reader I might decide to change the 3rd stanza.
Restless,
eyes scan an empty cross
above adult heads.
I would also leave out 'Somewhere' and begin with 'A distant voice talks of' I'd change the word 'talk' to 'speak' and add an ellipses to the end of 'resurrection.'
I hope that helps, and I thought you did a wonderful job.


