Soliloquy

[dukealien]

Soliloquy

I am   
drawing smart this string slipped
    loop-ways ‘round my index finger
        watching all that    delicious    colour   
                                                              hurry
                                                                          out of it,
                                                                                                                               solipsism.
filling up the    vacancy    with    yum—
 
suddenly
I’ve lost grasp of it and it                     falls
between my hungry fingertips,
falling     with a supple flourish of aerial panache,
it     falls     out of hand and into the hole,    fallen
 
—if only it was so crude as a god
     standing over, rug in hand, smirk slapped
                     sardonically across face—
 
           falling/it’s fallen/to fall/it’s falling/it falls/
                                         when did it                     fall  ?
the string will   
                      fall        
                                 forever,    I think

I confess myself somewhat defeated in advance here since I don't really get what's going on in the poem; if I did, the various devices used might make more sense, or seem justified.  On that basis, though, serious workshopping was requested, so here is my best shot at it.

First, given that the meaning or intent may not be clear to all readers, suggest you use the title to give a broader and more detailed hint.

Second, the typography is interesting but also initimidating:  the reader gains the impression he's supposed to be getting some added meaning from it, but (unlike words, punctuation, or even ordinary line breaks and indentation) its meaning is not established in advance.  If the poem is enhanced by the unusual typography, it should still make (the same) sense without it.  Suggest that you try to produce the same desired reading (aloud) with normal punctuation and line breaks, then work in extra spacing only where it adds something to that reading.  You  may find that, while expressive, it isn't actually necessarry - and it would be really hard to maintain in print when you find a publisher.

Like the typography, there are some inventions which (I say provisionally, since I didn't really get the story) don't seem to work.  For example, "loop-ways."  I could see "loop-wise," in the manner of a loop, but once you have a loop it's singular:  "loop-ways" looks plural.  Perhaps just "looped" unless you need two syllables there?

"[S]mirk slapped/sardonically across face" is chock-full of alliteration, but (IMHO) doesn't quite makes sense.  Who slapped?  The slap resulted in a sardonic grin.  Did the god slap this expression onto his own face?  It seems more likely, being a god, that the rictus sardonicus is an attribute of the god, requiring no such action.

"[f]alling/...falls/" seems to express that the motion of the string (right?  or is it a severed finger?) is somewhat confused in time:  has it happened already, is happening now, or is it happening everlastingly?  Could be better expressed with a well-crafted phrase which says what you mean, even labeling it mysterious or mystical if required.

"[S]olipsism" is a pretty well defined concept which we find here way out in right field.  Is it the key to the poem?  I vaguely recall a rule that any conclusion which can be reached equally well through solipsism is not worth reaching, or something to that effect.  What conclusion beyond solipsism does your poem intend?

Finally, I have high regard for the word "panache" and would apply it, at the very least, to a butterfly in a high wind rather than a falling loop of string (or severed finger).  For a string to do much of anything in falling it would have to be no heavier than fine thread or yarn (of amputated body parts, the less said the better).  A breath of wind, or the heat that makes sparks fly upward (there's panache!) seems to be wanted here.

So, my overall suggestion would be to left-justify, edit until the words sparkle without special spacing, then slowly re-introduce special typography if it adds something.  Hope this helps!