03-24-2016, 11:37 AM
I clock out from ... try 'of', instead 'from' White Digital Media Group where I write B2B copy and walk to my sedan. I ignite the car, tune it to Jazz 88 and drive to the reserve. I change into my running clothes and the woods breathe me in and breathe me out ... just say "breathe me in and out", great line though. I drive home and am greeted by my folks, their tenants and our animals: chickens, dogs, a cat and cockroaches. ... I agree with the above commenter, you should change "I drive home" to simply "at home I am greeted...", but come up with something better than greeted.
Mom is in bed, often with pain from a car accident ... "from that", otherwise it sounds like she's always getting in car accidents, or sleeping with the TV turned up to block noise ... say something more interesting like "drown out the rabble" (from life's monotony, maybe?), instead of "block out the noise". At 10 PM, she will get up and dress for work: the blue top and black bottom Walmart uniform. Her husband watches the salacious mock court TV show, Caso Cerrado, in the living room.
The Guatemalan tenants eat and talk in the kitchen. Everyone says buenas tardes. I check to see what mom’s left for dinner and eat standing up. I wash my dishes, throw them on the drainer and retire. In my bedroom, I denude and form an arc at my desk over a book. Later, I straighten up and wrap myself in sheet and blanket. Nube curls up behind me and I shut my eyes. ... instead of denude be more allusive, something like "my clothes drop to the floor", but not that. Getting changed can be incredibly poetic, if treated correctly.
Through the night I am a linen hung on a clothesline in an open space. Dreams and nightmares blow against me. I remember past loves, act out taboos, repeat trials and am visited by ghosts. I wake as if bursting from under water. I inhale and look around. All things are in their place. I push the covers off and throw my legs over the edge of the bed. ... scrap everything after the first line. The initial metaphor is great, but the rest does not have the final punch you are looking for and ends up feeling like a bit of a wet sock after that first line.
Mom is in bed, often with pain from a car accident ... "from that", otherwise it sounds like she's always getting in car accidents, or sleeping with the TV turned up to block noise ... say something more interesting like "drown out the rabble" (from life's monotony, maybe?), instead of "block out the noise". At 10 PM, she will get up and dress for work: the blue top and black bottom Walmart uniform. Her husband watches the salacious mock court TV show, Caso Cerrado, in the living room.
The Guatemalan tenants eat and talk in the kitchen. Everyone says buenas tardes. I check to see what mom’s left for dinner and eat standing up. I wash my dishes, throw them on the drainer and retire. In my bedroom, I denude and form an arc at my desk over a book. Later, I straighten up and wrap myself in sheet and blanket. Nube curls up behind me and I shut my eyes. ... instead of denude be more allusive, something like "my clothes drop to the floor", but not that. Getting changed can be incredibly poetic, if treated correctly.
Through the night I am a linen hung on a clothesline in an open space. Dreams and nightmares blow against me. I remember past loves, act out taboos, repeat trials and am visited by ghosts. I wake as if bursting from under water. I inhale and look around. All things are in their place. I push the covers off and throw my legs over the edge of the bed. ... scrap everything after the first line. The initial metaphor is great, but the rest does not have the final punch you are looking for and ends up feeling like a bit of a wet sock after that first line.