03-24-2016, 08:58 AM
I miss the scent of city girls: cold nights, (I think leaving "cold nights on this line is more about the look of the lineation, as putting it on the second line improves the cadence remarkably)
dark streets, fast food, gas lights.
I like the girl who wraps herself
in a thick-cloth coat and a woolly hat, (why "thick-cloth coat" when "thick coat" conveys basically the same thing and is less cumbersome? "in a thick coat and woolly hat"--cadence-- )
that hints of coffee and polluted air
and if you kiss and draw her in
her whole day lingers on her breath;
milky latte, quickly taken, (do you really need the comma after latte?) ("milky latte, taken quick" --cadence--)
emotive as a moist, warm breast (saying emotive is like putting up a neon sign. Why not "moist as a warm breast"?)
exposed to chill night wind.
I miss the risk of misconstruance; (nice non-word)
that slipping, cautious, certain sign
from one shared cigarette.
You light two, she takes one…
but she does not inhale.
Open mouthed then lips tight pressed,
white pleasure swirls and permeates. (If she does not inhale the smoke will be blue.)
You stop, for just one murmured moment; (for just one murmured moment you stop
a trick you know so well. You draw her close. (move second sentence to next line, increases staccato affect)
She lets you take her round the waist.
Her hair is in your face and you suck deep,
draw back then gently place
your yearning cigarette between her lips. (How does a cigarette "yearn"? Yes I know phallic image, doesn't really work, seems contrived))
Before the smoke has gone....a kiss.
And while the intimate exhalation swirls, (just say no to "and")
you slip a hand, an arm, but slowly, (this line is a bit nonsensical, needs rewording)
through her outer fabric shield.
Soft buttons pop, warm comfort yours, ("warm comfort's yours". No comma before the "and" of the next line)
and with a faintly wanton word,
she lets you in.
I miss the scent of city girls,
that whiff of baking bread and Danish spice. (nice cadence)
The city girl who shares with “others”, (maybe "a city girl...")
a flat above a bakery, and wakes at four a.m. ("with a flat above the bakery; who wakes at four am")
as up through loose, bare floor boards ("when up..." drop comma)
comes early yeast-filled streams (steam)
that dream her day awake.
She bathes in turn, in a cold, damp room (drop "in turn" does nothing)
where yellow and smoking the gas flame lives, (what? simplify)
sharing the grubby, gurgling boiler
with city water; the chemical cologne (Period after "water" new line. Make one sentence starting from "the chemical cologne" to end of stanza.)
of her fresh washed hair.
Her tresses frizz in the khamsin blast (does a blow dryer really need this kind of description, why are you describing something with which everyone is familiar? You describe a common object in terms of a less common occurrence. Seems a bit backwards.)
from the turbo-fan, stylising
and instant drying.
Her deodorant spray ( should last a day )
will die some time in the afternoon
and then she is mine.
She dresses from a wooden chest ,
lined with crumbling paper of napthalene blooms; (Sometimes there is a point to using a reference that is obscure or ambiguous, or I suppose both, I do not think this is the case with "napthalene blooms". I suppose there must have been such a creature, but it must certainly be British and I wonder about how widespread its remembered use from that time frame. Is this a drying substance, or actually flowers?)
painstakingly painting her daytime face
of eyes wide-open, lips plasticised
and glossy red. (cadence killer)
Each morning she stops at the corner café,
picks a croissant and tears it open,
though too hot to hold. Her coffee arrives, (enjambment serves no purpose)
a little colder; still, on its surface
she pursed-lip blows. (awkward)
Her perfume, raw from lack of purpose,
joins gladly with the steamy sweetness;
up it goes into her complex cocktail,
into her cassolette. Then you are lost in the city
with a city girl. (Nice ending, but rhythmically is flat.)
____________________________________________________________________________
As I had already critiqued this once before I did not expect to have much to say, however I focused more on the rhythmical elements and whether the word phrasing support a cadence. A lot of my suggestions are for the support of the cadence. I would like to go back and block out the rhythmical section against the flat sections, however, my time and energy are both about spent. Must go now.
dale
dark streets, fast food, gas lights.
I like the girl who wraps herself
in a thick-cloth coat and a woolly hat, (why "thick-cloth coat" when "thick coat" conveys basically the same thing and is less cumbersome? "in a thick coat and woolly hat"--cadence-- )
that hints of coffee and polluted air
and if you kiss and draw her in
her whole day lingers on her breath;
milky latte, quickly taken, (do you really need the comma after latte?) ("milky latte, taken quick" --cadence--)
emotive as a moist, warm breast (saying emotive is like putting up a neon sign. Why not "moist as a warm breast"?)
exposed to chill night wind.
I miss the risk of misconstruance; (nice non-word)
that slipping, cautious, certain sign
from one shared cigarette.
You light two, she takes one…
but she does not inhale.
Open mouthed then lips tight pressed,
white pleasure swirls and permeates. (If she does not inhale the smoke will be blue.)
You stop, for just one murmured moment; (for just one murmured moment you stop
a trick you know so well. You draw her close. (move second sentence to next line, increases staccato affect)
She lets you take her round the waist.
Her hair is in your face and you suck deep,
draw back then gently place
your yearning cigarette between her lips. (How does a cigarette "yearn"? Yes I know phallic image, doesn't really work, seems contrived))
Before the smoke has gone....a kiss.
And while the intimate exhalation swirls, (just say no to "and")
you slip a hand, an arm, but slowly, (this line is a bit nonsensical, needs rewording)
through her outer fabric shield.
Soft buttons pop, warm comfort yours, ("warm comfort's yours". No comma before the "and" of the next line)
and with a faintly wanton word,
she lets you in.
I miss the scent of city girls,
that whiff of baking bread and Danish spice. (nice cadence)
The city girl who shares with “others”, (maybe "a city girl...")
a flat above a bakery, and wakes at four a.m. ("with a flat above the bakery; who wakes at four am")
as up through loose, bare floor boards ("when up..." drop comma)
comes early yeast-filled streams (steam)
that dream her day awake.
She bathes in turn, in a cold, damp room (drop "in turn" does nothing)
where yellow and smoking the gas flame lives, (what? simplify)
sharing the grubby, gurgling boiler
with city water; the chemical cologne (Period after "water" new line. Make one sentence starting from "the chemical cologne" to end of stanza.)
of her fresh washed hair.
Her tresses frizz in the khamsin blast (does a blow dryer really need this kind of description, why are you describing something with which everyone is familiar? You describe a common object in terms of a less common occurrence. Seems a bit backwards.)
from the turbo-fan, stylising
and instant drying.
Her deodorant spray ( should last a day )
will die some time in the afternoon
and then she is mine.
She dresses from a wooden chest ,
lined with crumbling paper of napthalene blooms; (Sometimes there is a point to using a reference that is obscure or ambiguous, or I suppose both, I do not think this is the case with "napthalene blooms". I suppose there must have been such a creature, but it must certainly be British and I wonder about how widespread its remembered use from that time frame. Is this a drying substance, or actually flowers?)
painstakingly painting her daytime face
of eyes wide-open, lips plasticised
and glossy red. (cadence killer)
Each morning she stops at the corner café,
picks a croissant and tears it open,
though too hot to hold. Her coffee arrives, (enjambment serves no purpose)
a little colder; still, on its surface
she pursed-lip blows. (awkward)
Her perfume, raw from lack of purpose,
joins gladly with the steamy sweetness;
up it goes into her complex cocktail,
into her cassolette. Then you are lost in the city
with a city girl. (Nice ending, but rhythmically is flat.)
____________________________________________________________________________
As I had already critiqued this once before I did not expect to have much to say, however I focused more on the rhythmical elements and whether the word phrasing support a cadence. A lot of my suggestions are for the support of the cadence. I would like to go back and block out the rhythmical section against the flat sections, however, my time and energy are both about spent. Must go now.
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.