03-24-2016, 06:40 AM
Hi Julius,
There are good initial elements to the poem - mother/child, religion and of course - chocolate. The scene, while sketchy, is sufficient to give the reader the framework of the poem’s story - the young boy is at an Easter service in an old church. He has been given a chocolate Easter egg while the sermon covers the weightier matters of death and resurrection. Restless, he holds the egg and looks around. He sees the cross, and hears the sermon. The egg goes soft.
This is about as far as I can go as a reader. The image of the cross, without the body, above the heads of the adults, as seen from the boy’s POV, is interesting, but undeveloped. The notion of the egg going soft is also undeveloped. What is the reason? Is this intended as a statement about faith, or about youthful naivete or something else? You may want to tinker to sharpen the message.
As written, stanzas 1, 3, and 4 are complete sentences, and stanzas 2 and 5 are not. It would not be difficult to adjust the text of S.2 and S.5 to also constitute complete sentences. You may want to see if in your view that would help it read a bit easier. You may also want experiment and see how longer lines may make the reading of the poem less choppy. All of this is just my view. Agree or not.
T
There are good initial elements to the poem - mother/child, religion and of course - chocolate. The scene, while sketchy, is sufficient to give the reader the framework of the poem’s story - the young boy is at an Easter service in an old church. He has been given a chocolate Easter egg while the sermon covers the weightier matters of death and resurrection. Restless, he holds the egg and looks around. He sees the cross, and hears the sermon. The egg goes soft.
This is about as far as I can go as a reader. The image of the cross, without the body, above the heads of the adults, as seen from the boy’s POV, is interesting, but undeveloped. The notion of the egg going soft is also undeveloped. What is the reason? Is this intended as a statement about faith, or about youthful naivete or something else? You may want to tinker to sharpen the message.
As written, stanzas 1, 3, and 4 are complete sentences, and stanzas 2 and 5 are not. It would not be difficult to adjust the text of S.2 and S.5 to also constitute complete sentences. You may want to see if in your view that would help it read a bit easier. You may also want experiment and see how longer lines may make the reading of the poem less choppy. All of this is just my view. Agree or not.
T