03-23-2016, 12:29 PM
3:00 AM
too tired to know what raised me
these hallways carry a different kind of silence
an old silence
a last vestige of those who have gone before
in the corridors of the mad ... mad is too easy, come up with something more descriptive, more emotive.
she was lost in a skewed space ... this is nice. More stuff like this.
he would follow, but for now
she was half dream, half ethereal ... cut ethereal, it's too pseudo-poetic. Leave it as "she was half dream", it's a lot more interesting and pulls you in.
far too distant for me
to see past distant eyes, ... I know the double instance of the word 'distance' is intentional, but it's not working for me. Come up with something more emotive.
then another, my feet were cold, his eyes
were embers
an evil as ancient ... evil is such a tired word, let it catch its well deserved rest until we truly need it. You've got words like malicious, cruel, &c. The thesaurus is a writer's best friend.
as the spawning of Gods, ... also potentially pseudo-poetic. If you need to talk about 'the gods' for the sake of your poem, do a little research, reference a particular
and I sleep
too tired to know what raised me
these hallways carry a different kind of silence
an old silence
a last vestige of those who have gone before
in the corridors of the mad ... mad is too easy, come up with something more descriptive, more emotive.
she was lost in a skewed space ... this is nice. More stuff like this.
he would follow, but for now
she was half dream, half ethereal ... cut ethereal, it's too pseudo-poetic. Leave it as "she was half dream", it's a lot more interesting and pulls you in.
far too distant for me
to see past distant eyes, ... I know the double instance of the word 'distance' is intentional, but it's not working for me. Come up with something more emotive.
then another, my feet were cold, his eyes
were embers
an evil as ancient ... evil is such a tired word, let it catch its well deserved rest until we truly need it. You've got words like malicious, cruel, &c. The thesaurus is a writer's best friend.
as the spawning of Gods, ... also potentially pseudo-poetic. If you need to talk about 'the gods' for the sake of your poem, do a little research, reference a particular
and I sleep