Heart

[REW]

Note: This is my first poem, I wanted to put this on serious workshopping, but I don't feel it's advanced enough,I hope you enjoy!  ~The Raven


Heart


I fear Darkness,
I fear Thunder,
I fear Loneliness.

My heart is a raven
Feathers dark as the night itself,
Eyes empty, 
void of light

Nestled in its tree,
Alone,
waiting.

The Sun is shining
but not within my view,
not within my heart.

I have seen the Sun before,
I have witnessed its
Incandescent beauty,
The hope it brings, 
The joy.

When I see it
the raven halts
then its wings flutter
I grow faint,
weak,

It is simply
marvelous,
wonderful,
breathtaking.

My heart is a dove,
Wings white as snow,
Eyes filled with light,

I feel Passion,
I feel Hope,
I feel Love.

Hi,

From what you said I gather you are new to poetry.  It isn't enough to be able to use a simile or other figurative language.  You have to write in innovative ways.  For example, "white as snow" at this point and time is so highly over used that it is cliche.  Also, in your poem you state abstract ideas many times: "You feel passion."  That is abstract because passion is an idea.

In this poem you are making a raven analogous to your state of mind.  I suggest that you write about the raven.  Describe this raven as well as you can in fresh and interesting ways.  Let the raven become your heart and state of being.  

And a dove is just a white pigeon.  It is so over used for love.  If you want to stick with birds...perhaps there is a better choice?

Anyway I suggest sticking with the birds.  Learn to describe your chosen birds before trying to get them to demonstrate your abstract, let concrete show the abstract.

It isn't bad for a first poem; don't despair.