03-23-2016, 06:01 AM
[quote='dukealien' pid='206792' dateline='1458160947']
The Clearing
Edit 1
Just north of my house lay a little wood,
Ten acres packed with scrub-oaks, thorny, wild,
Cut by a deep ravine. Town-bred, I could
Lose track and time there; forest-glad I smiled.
Last week a yellow diesel Cat arrived,
Steel-taloned, dozer blade down at its head.
With screeching treads it lustily contrived
To uproot every tree alive or dead.
Now, oaks torn down, I see far neighbors where
My view was wooded; spacious houses rise.
Where squirrels rushed and owls would hoot and flare,
Near neighbors soon will share my emptied skies.
Some fuel and twenty tons of steel that roams
Did this - those and the yearning dream of homes.
The inversion of 'thorny wild' is rhyme driven, coming after scrub-oaks makes the inversion more prominent.
The enjambment of 'could' is also rhyme driven, the line makes no sense without the follow on.
'forest-glad' is a bit cute, it's unnatural language and a poetic condensing that is meter driven.
'contrived' also is rhyme driven, no one says a Cat contrived to knock down something, you make a problem for yourself by anthropomorphizing the Cat, the real culprits are never mentioned.
Although I also find capitalizing every line old fashioned it is quite acceptable to formalists. Indenting the volta (last couplet) is not.
I have concentrated on the mistakes here, there are some good lines and I enjoyed the the poem from 'Steel Taloned..' to the end. I don't mind the theme, it's not new but what is? I also find the irregular meter well handled, it reads well.
The Clearing
Edit 1
Just north of my house lay a little wood,
Ten acres packed with scrub-oaks, thorny, wild,
Cut by a deep ravine. Town-bred, I could
Lose track and time there; forest-glad I smiled.
Last week a yellow diesel Cat arrived,
Steel-taloned, dozer blade down at its head.
With screeching treads it lustily contrived
To uproot every tree alive or dead.
Now, oaks torn down, I see far neighbors where
My view was wooded; spacious houses rise.
Where squirrels rushed and owls would hoot and flare,
Near neighbors soon will share my emptied skies.
Some fuel and twenty tons of steel that roams
Did this - those and the yearning dream of homes.
The inversion of 'thorny wild' is rhyme driven, coming after scrub-oaks makes the inversion more prominent.
The enjambment of 'could' is also rhyme driven, the line makes no sense without the follow on.
'forest-glad' is a bit cute, it's unnatural language and a poetic condensing that is meter driven.
'contrived' also is rhyme driven, no one says a Cat contrived to knock down something, you make a problem for yourself by anthropomorphizing the Cat, the real culprits are never mentioned.
Although I also find capitalizing every line old fashioned it is quite acceptable to formalists. Indenting the volta (last couplet) is not.
I have concentrated on the mistakes here, there are some good lines and I enjoyed the the poem from 'Steel Taloned..' to the end. I don't mind the theme, it's not new but what is? I also find the irregular meter well handled, it reads well.