03-22-2016, 09:13 AM
A match is lit and all he sees is fire.
Fire is too broad, 'its flame' would be closer, but better would be the inner part of the flame to suggest his focused vision.
In that moment before exhale and words
I like this, I like the dissonance of using exhale.
he sense apocalypse a frayed leash.
I also would edit out 'apocalypse'. it is both hyperbole and an abstaction, I like a 'frayed lease', it's an apt image.
No movement - the world moves around him.
This is apradoxical and too condensed, you are asking the reader to fill in too many blanks.
a gentle wind
Not only is 'gentle wind' cliche but wind can always suggest farts so it is wise to make it very clear what you are talking about.
beyond that silence
This is confused, the wind makes a noise, so silence seems contradictory, if the wind dropped there would be silence but 'beyonf describes distance not time unless you mean beyonf time whicha gain is asking the reader to write the poem.
It's a slight poem, but slight poems can still be well written I would say you have a way to go here, although it's not bad.
Fire is too broad, 'its flame' would be closer, but better would be the inner part of the flame to suggest his focused vision.
In that moment before exhale and words
I like this, I like the dissonance of using exhale.
he sense apocalypse a frayed leash.
I also would edit out 'apocalypse'. it is both hyperbole and an abstaction, I like a 'frayed lease', it's an apt image.
No movement - the world moves around him.
This is apradoxical and too condensed, you are asking the reader to fill in too many blanks.
a gentle wind
Not only is 'gentle wind' cliche but wind can always suggest farts so it is wise to make it very clear what you are talking about.
beyond that silence
This is confused, the wind makes a noise, so silence seems contradictory, if the wind dropped there would be silence but 'beyonf describes distance not time unless you mean beyonf time whicha gain is asking the reader to write the poem.
It's a slight poem, but slight poems can still be well written I would say you have a way to go here, although it's not bad.