Heart

[milo]

Note: This is my first poem, I wanted to put this on serious workshopping, but I don't feel it's advanced enough,I hope you enjoy!  ~The Raven


Heart


I fear Darkness,
I fear Thunder,
I fear Loneliness.

My heart is a raven
Feathers dark as the night itself,
Eyes empty, 
void of light

Nestled in its tree,
Alone,
waiting.

The Sun is shining
but not within my view,
not within my heart.

I have seen the Sun before,
I have witnessed its
Incandescent beauty,
The hope it brings, 
The joy.

When I see it
the raven halts
then its wings flutter
I grow faint,
weak,

It is simply
marvelous,
wonderful,
breathtaking.

My heart is a dove,
Wings white as snow,
Eyes filled with light,

I feel Passion,
I feel Hope,
I feel Love.

So, in addition to what Shem pointed out, it might be a good idea to look into abstractions, and how they don't make for good poetry.  Think about your first 3 lines - darkness, thunder, loneliness - your narrator fears these things, so you tell us.  Think about how much more powerful it would be too use concrete imagery and present situations to the reader that allow the reader to come to these conclusions on their own.

Passion, hope, love - these are all abstract concepts that weigh your writing down without any development.  I would recommend you present concrete images and allow your readers to come to these conclusions themselves.

In addition, I would really reconsider all of your 1-word lines.  There has been a lot written about the purpose of the line that is beyond the scope of this critique but, suffice it to say, one word lines represent a very rare opportunity that should be used sparingly. Using them with superfluous synonyms for "good" as in - wonderful, breathtaking, great, etc. fills the poem with exceptionally weak lines as well as coming off as hackneyed in general.

Good luck, thanks for posting.