Heart

[Matthew McKeown]

Note: This is my first poem, I wanted to put this on serious workshopping, but I don't feel it's advanced enough,I hope you enjoy!  ~The Raven


Heart


I fear Darkness,
I fear Thunder,
I fear Loneliness.

My heart is a raven
Feathers dark as the night itself,
Eyes empty, 
void of light

Nestled in its tree,
Alone,
waiting.

The Sun is shining
but not within my view,
not within my heart.

I have seen the Sun before,
I have witnessed its
Incandescent beauty,
The hope it brings, 
The joy.

When I see it
the raven halts
then its wings flutter
I grow faint,
weak,

It is simply
marvelous,
wonderful,
breathtaking.

My heart is a dove,
Wings white as snow,
Eyes filled with light,

I feel Passion,
I feel Hope,
I feel Love.

the post was allowed because you attempted to give informative feedback, that said, pointing out a word choice and doing a rewrite of a large part of the poem are two different thing, no rewrites by critics please. /mod


Hello,
 
I just wanted to say thanks for putting the poem out there.
 
I myself think it is perfectly fine to write a poem like this, nothing wrong with clichés. After all any theater director worth their salt would love to be commissioned to do one of Shakespeare’s plays. A very wise man once said there is nothing new under the sun, that being said who writes anything that has not been written about before.
 
Well that’s my soapbox;  However I would like to help you with some ideas with the poem.
 
My style is to show you how I might have written it myself.
 
Please do not think I am suggesting that you have to re-write that way, it is just an example.
 
Heart
 
I fear Darkness, - No changes
I fear Thunder, - No changes
I fear Loneliness. - No changes
 
-      Usually a Raven is a harbinger of those things you mentioned in lines 1-3 not the things themselves- so line 4 might be written,
 
My heart is a raven -   As though a Raven has pierced my heart
Feathers dark as the night itself, -  No changes
Eyes empty, - and Vantablack eyes 
void of light- No changes
 
Nestled seems to cozy here maybe this.
 
Nestled in its tree,  -  Skulking in its tree
Alone, - No changes
waiting.  -  Wanting for carrion like some demon
 
First what effects are occurring because of the Raven?
 
The Sun is shining – Vexing my soul
but not within my view,  - blocking the light
not within my heart.  – covering my heart with despair
 
I have seen the Sun before, -   All is not lost, I remember the Sun
I have witnessed its –   Having witnessed its Incandescent beauty,
Incandescent beauty,  The hope and joy it brings, 
The hope it brings, 
The joy.

and so on...
 
Well I think you see what I am talking about, please consider a re-write, I think it is worth the effort
 
Thanks, Matt