03-21-2016, 01:39 AM
hello,
there is so much wrong with this poem that it is difficult to know where to begin. firstly, if we assume that clichés are best avoided, then removing all the clichés from this poem (including conceptual ones) leaves us with very little.
let us do the unthinkable, and paraphrase the meaning. the author was once happy, but is no longer happy. and unfortunately, that rather dry prosaic summery is about as interesting as the poem itself.
next, you have used two of the most overused metaphors in the history of metaphors, namely, birds and the sun; and, not only that, but you have managed to use them in such a way that they seem even more cliché than they ought to.
the punctuation is all over the place.
you've used bold italics and italics for god knows why. unless it is simply to distract the reader from the absolute flatness of the piece - which, to be fair, it does, in an annoying sort of way.
there is, however, one redeeming feature to this otherwise awful mess, 'nestled in its tree, alone, waiting'. these lines do more to produce a genuine and authentic 'sense' (meaning the combination of image, emotion and physical sensation) than all the other lines combined.
there is so much wrong with this poem that it is difficult to know where to begin. firstly, if we assume that clichés are best avoided, then removing all the clichés from this poem (including conceptual ones) leaves us with very little.
let us do the unthinkable, and paraphrase the meaning. the author was once happy, but is no longer happy. and unfortunately, that rather dry prosaic summery is about as interesting as the poem itself.
next, you have used two of the most overused metaphors in the history of metaphors, namely, birds and the sun; and, not only that, but you have managed to use them in such a way that they seem even more cliché than they ought to.
the punctuation is all over the place.
you've used bold italics and italics for god knows why. unless it is simply to distract the reader from the absolute flatness of the piece - which, to be fair, it does, in an annoying sort of way.
there is, however, one redeeming feature to this otherwise awful mess, 'nestled in its tree, alone, waiting'. these lines do more to produce a genuine and authentic 'sense' (meaning the combination of image, emotion and physical sensation) than all the other lines combined.