The Clearing - Edit2
#4
(03-17-2016, 05:42 AM)dukealien Wrote:  The Clearing

To north of my house lay a little wood,
Perhaps ten acres thorny-vined and wild, ... The 'perhaps' is meter filler because the uncertainty is of no subsequent significance. 'Ten acres' is good enough. 'Thorny-vined' is faux poetic. Thorny should be good enough. The 'and wild' is stock poetic line ending, only there for the rhyme.
Cut by a deep ravine.  Town-bred, I could ... To my ear at least, 4 syllables at the end is too long for the jamb to be effective. A longer first sentence would help.
Oft lose myself in it, by paths beguiled. ... 'By paths beguiled' is a tired expression, existing only for the rhyme. I think enjambemt would work better in this one than in the one above. 
Last week a yellow Caterpillar came
(A diesel “Cat” full-treaded, blade-equipped),
And with élan tornados put to shame, ....you can do much better than this! One inversion too many. 'Put to shame' is hackneyed
Uprooting every tree with claws steel-tipped. .... Another inversion 
Now ‘cross a bough-heaped, roughly-graded field .... Crossing out syllables is an archaic practice and looks like a cop out
I see, not far, discovered neighbors new. .... Another inversion 
Soon other houses planned will rise, revealed,
That nesting-place for bird or squirr’l hold few.  ....another
    Some fuel and twenty tons of steel that roams ....another
    Did this - those and the yearning dream of homes.

Author’s note: It transpires that the new development is named “The Preserve at Oak Grove.”  It has now been renamed “Nine Oaks.”
Duke - this one doesn't work that well. there are too many cliches and inversions for the sake of rhyme or meter, and a lot of meter filler at the moment. Perhaps you should be less strict about the rhyming scheme and mix it up. 
Excuse the multiple font colours above. Mobile screen.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
Reply


Messages In This Thread
The Clearing - Edit2 - by dukealien - 03-17-2016, 05:42 AM
RE: The Clearing - by tectak - 03-18-2016, 04:50 PM
RE: The Clearing - by CholSerp - 03-18-2016, 08:04 PM
RE: The Clearing - by Achebe - 03-19-2016, 06:31 AM
RE: The Clearing - by Erthona - 03-19-2016, 11:06 AM
RE: The Clearing - by dukealien - 03-19-2016, 01:00 PM
RE: The Clearing - by Erthona - 03-20-2016, 09:12 PM
RE: The Clearing - Edit1 - by dukealien - 03-20-2016, 10:30 PM
RE: The Clearing - Edit1 - by tectak - 03-21-2016, 07:18 AM
RE: The Clearing - Edit1 - by Erthona - 03-22-2016, 02:35 PM
RE: The Clearing - Edit1 - by dukealien - 03-22-2016, 10:16 PM
RE: The Clearing - Edit1 - by ross hamilton hill - 03-23-2016, 06:01 AM
RE: The Clearing - Edit1 - by dukealien - 03-23-2016, 11:32 AM



Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!