Embers

[CholSerp]

3:00 AM 3 syllables
too tired to know what raised me 7 syllables
these hallways carry a different kind of silence 12 syllables
an old silence 4 syllables
a last vestige of those who have gone before 11 syllables
in the corridors of the mad 8 syllables

she was lost in a skewed space 7
he would follow, but for now 7
she was half dream, half ethereal 9
far too distant for me 6
to see past distant eyes, 6

then another, my feet were cold, his eyes 10
were embers 3
an evil as ancient 6
as the spawning of Gods, 6
and I sleep 3

Dear Matt, 

I think you need to rewrite this entirely and start from scratch. I'm not saying scrap this poem. I'm saying, try again. 

The central problem I see in your poem is its disconnection, it's incoherence. It's impossible to follow the poem because too many things change abruptly, there is too much vagueness, and too many undeveloped themes and images. 

As far as I can see, the action of the poem is that the speaker wakes up in a mental asylum and he has two visions. In the first vision (the second stanza), the speaker sees a woman. In the second vision (third stanza) he sees a male figure with evil-looking ember eyes. Then the speaker returns to sleep. 

If this is indeed the action in the poem, my question is SO WHAT? So what that the speaker is in a mental asylum and has woken up to see two visions? We, the audience, are not persuaded or compelled to care. For example, how do the visions affect the speaker? Do they remind him of something? 

You have three characters in this poem and they are all underdeveloped. Why don't you focus on one character and develop his experience in the mental asylum? Why is he there? Make us care about this speaker in the asylum.