03-17-2016, 09:58 AM
Tony - thanks for the read. I'll just throw some bits and pieces at you.
"The friends that left you far behind,
the bitterness that stayed."
I'm digging this man. I think it might be the strongest section of this poem. I'm no master of meter but I think (THINK) it works here.
"Loneliness owns everything"
I'm reaching for this concept but I can't quite get there. The fault may be mine.
I'd recommend working some imagery into this piece but would it work given your approach? I don't know. Maybe something to consider as, as it stands, your phasing is pretty general and lacking the concrete. Food for thought and nothing more on that one.
Love to see more of yours, cheers,
- Matt
"The friends that left you far behind,
the bitterness that stayed."
I'm digging this man. I think it might be the strongest section of this poem. I'm no master of meter but I think (THINK) it works here.
"Loneliness owns everything"
I'm reaching for this concept but I can't quite get there. The fault may be mine.
I'd recommend working some imagery into this piece but would it work given your approach? I don't know. Maybe something to consider as, as it stands, your phasing is pretty general and lacking the concrete. Food for thought and nothing more on that one.
Love to see more of yours, cheers,
- Matt