Embers

[tectak]

Hello matt,
Can you punctuate? I ask because if you want me to read this then I expect that you have read it first. Call it a courtesy if you like...thing is, I can easily dismiss the piece on the very good grounds that if you can't be bothered then nor can I. Churlish. Line by line, with guesses as to where lines end and begin.

3:00 AM[b] Gimmick. Don't do it unless it is quintessential to the piece. You know, time line poetry. As it is, it isn't.
too tired to know what raised me Already I am reading "...too tired to know what raised me these hallways..." Oh, do come along. It cannot be that difficult. No more comments on lack of punctuation. I can't bear to listen to myself.
these hallways carry a different kind of silence
an old silence
a last vestige of those who have gone before
in the corridors of the mad Image-wise you are getting more from this than the words deserve. That is because of the emotive links with mad, silence, old, last vestige ( cliche), gone before (cliche). There is not really a whole lot of "information" here. I have no idea where you are, why you were asleep, why you woke, who "those" are...are you going to tell me? We shall see.

she was lost in a skewed space Wha...? Wh? Who she? Who he? These are just words with no connectivity. The title doesn't help me. It should.You are thinking YOUR thoughts but not transmitting.
he would follow, but for now
she was half dream, half ethereal She has not got a lot going for her. Half dream and half ethereal leaves sweet fuck all...and after all that she was un-named, unknown and too far away to see. This is way too wordy and verging on nothing at all of substance.
far too distant for me
to see past distant eyes, gobbledygook

then another, my feet were cold, his eyes
were embers
an evil as ancient
as the spawning of Gods,
and I sleep I am now completely lost and find I really do not care. You need to give more information to make this hang together in any coherent way. There is no core metaphor...frankly, there is no core anything. It is just YOUR musing with no help given to the reader. In fairness, I guess we all have good ideas which scream to be written down. Sadly, ideas are a mind product and do not copy-and-paste successfully. To make the move from you to me you must TRANSLATE your musings in to the informative written word. It is tempting to just let yourself write what you believe will be appreciated but that is rarely, if ever, poetry. The trick is to use imagery, metaphor, structure, punctuation and sublety...that last parameter is the difficult one but often it is the ONLY one used by aspirants. So if you want to dismiss this crit...just go to bed happy that it was just too subtle for me.
Best,
tectak
 

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