Embers

[billy]

in general i found it to be wordy. the last stanza needs a complete rewrite as it enters from nowhere and goes nowhere. my advice would be to stick to the mild or novice forum for a while, there you'll get less intense feedback and you'll be able to take it in a bit at a time.

3:00 AM try and delineate lines like this with punctuation or a line space, or both.
too tired to know what raised me
these hallways carry a different kind of silence
an old silence
a last vestige of those who have gone before
inthrough the corridors of the mad

she was lost in a skewed space who is she?
he would follow, but for now who is he? give more info if you plonk people in from thin air
she was half dream, half ethereal
far too distant for me
to see past distant eyes, third distant, needs work on the line to make it work

then another, my feet were cold, his eyes another what?
were embers
an evil as ancient
as the spawning of Gods,
and I sleep