Smoking Stupid

[71degrees]

The first stanza is great, and like others have said, the poem seems to dwindle toward the end. However I like this effect, as it seems like the narrator also feels less full at the end of the poem. His lips have "thinned" and he's become one of the "stupid folks." I also enjoyed the phrase "older girl" as I've had an older girlfriend when I was in high school, and she proved to be quite influential (in a non-beneficial sort of way). Good job.

Thanks for the comments about "older girl"....I've had doubts from others about this. I'd like to keep it and this helps me reinforce my thoughts. I'll have to do something toward the end b/c I'm baffled as to the comments suggesting "dwindling" or "let down"....to me, the whole poem is about the end. These two have nothing in common, not even nicotine so the dumb shit starts smoking and doesn't stay w/her anyway.

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yes i agree, it loses a sense of rhythm or something at the end but this doesn't really need to change. it makes it interesting. I like the lack of "i've" (been smoking a pack...). it suggests a deterioration in the poet, and somehow brings a smile. it reminds me of Bob Dylan

Love Dylan. I once won a poetry contest sponsored by Dylan's hometown...got invited to read. Alas, never made it. Thanks for your three cents here.

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I remember her, the older girl
with plated, bronze skin.
After we made love one lonely afternoon,
she started talking about my soul,
how it was like a box of niceness, tied
with frightened pieces of cotton string.

Later, she asked me for a cigarette.
I rolled my eyes, Only for stupid folks.
She replied maybe it was time I started.

Been smoking a pack a day
with thin lips ever since.

this gave me goosebumps   :3 

Am glad