03-09-2016, 10:54 PM
Where are you the keeper of my heart?
How dare you commit such stealing.
Without it, I can't do fine art,
Or attend to things with feeling.
How dare you brought upon me
Such crippling soul of passion.
How dare you expect to be free.
Capturing you shall be my first action
Stealing love is your greatest crime.
Torture me, and rob me of my prime.
I agree with previous comments; the metre needs attention first. The message is obscure; is it meant to be accusatory? If so why is the writer burdened with a "soul of passion"? Why does the author need to capture the subject if all he/she needs back is his/her heart? I think you need to think a little bit about the message here. Then metre.
Hope this helps
Ashok
How dare you commit such stealing.
Without it, I can't do fine art,
Or attend to things with feeling.
How dare you brought upon me
Such crippling soul of passion.
How dare you expect to be free.
Capturing you shall be my first action
Stealing love is your greatest crime.
Torture me, and rob me of my prime.
I agree with previous comments; the metre needs attention first. The message is obscure; is it meant to be accusatory? If so why is the writer burdened with a "soul of passion"? Why does the author need to capture the subject if all he/she needs back is his/her heart? I think you need to think a little bit about the message here. Then metre.
Hope this helps
Ashok