03-09-2016, 03:39 PM
I have to admit that at first I wasn't fond of this piece. I must agree with Liz, in that I cannot find too much to read into, nothing of real significance that pops out to me. That's okay though, as long as it says something that isn't completely empty. While it isn't empty, it certainly isn't full. I think that's what bothers me. I also have to disagree with 71degrees. I don't feel like I'm being geographically moved through California. I feel like I'm reading a line about an almond grove, then a beach, then watching a family prepare/eat dinner. I think your feast requires some more meat, or should at least be plated a little nicer. There's an alliteration of S through and locally of L and F. Unfortunately, I don't see what that alliteration adds, as I don't get any sonic cues from it (well, perhaps some food cooking/sizzling, but if that was the intent, adding the word "sizzle" could go a long way, in my opinion). It rhymes, of course, which makes the meter all the more obvious. Tetrameter, my absolute favorite. That said, the meter falls off a bit, which makes the reading weird for me. Note below...
and palm tree dates bloom on the beach, -- "bloom on" sounds off. It's hard to make "bloom" less stressed than "on"
my grandma slaves over the stove -- "over" is trochaic in my dialect (and most I know of). I hesitate to say it's forgivable, but it does sound mildly forced to me.
Mom leads us in a quiet grace --stressing "in" is not really natural, but forgivable
growl / smile / howl -- I'll ask the linguist in my house for the specific term regarding these words, but the fact that all three almost sound like two syllables makes the poem (particularly the last line) more laborious to read than it should be. My opinion - replace "smile" (with a clear-cut one syllable word, not something like 'scowl')
I've read this piece many times, and tried to like it. I come close, but fall a bit short. At the risk of sounding cliche, it has potential to me. But the fact it doesn't seem to say a whole lot makes it seem like just a few rhymes to me.
and palm tree dates bloom on the beach, -- "bloom on" sounds off. It's hard to make "bloom" less stressed than "on"
my grandma slaves over the stove -- "over" is trochaic in my dialect (and most I know of). I hesitate to say it's forgivable, but it does sound mildly forced to me.
Mom leads us in a quiet grace --stressing "in" is not really natural, but forgivable
growl / smile / howl -- I'll ask the linguist in my house for the specific term regarding these words, but the fact that all three almost sound like two syllables makes the poem (particularly the last line) more laborious to read than it should be. My opinion - replace "smile" (with a clear-cut one syllable word, not something like 'scowl')
I've read this piece many times, and tried to like it. I come close, but fall a bit short. At the risk of sounding cliche, it has potential to me. But the fact it doesn't seem to say a whole lot makes it seem like just a few rhymes to me.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona