03-08-2016, 05:14 PM
Hi Paul,
I really like this as it is and I really like it as an experiment. Julius is spot on about the placement of the pop's.
A couple of small nits, and only because you yourself have stated that it's experimental. The use of onomatopoeia is what really sets this up and because of that I kind of think the 'then...' line is not needed. I don't think it spoils it, I just think if there was a way to make it all onomatopoeia it would be more pure. There is a pause and it's how to indicate that slight pause. The other nit is probably me being a bit too pedantic but the title is plural but the poem has just one firework, obviously 'firework' won't make a good title but the name of a firework may... Then again it may be me overthinking it and getting muddled in my head.
Finally, this is just a crazy thought but... I've always thought that one day I would be able to use a GIF (an animated picture) for a poem that would utilise the animation aspect and tie in with the words effectively. The right poem has not occurred yet for me because I didn't want to use it for the sake of it. Your poem however has that possibility. To cut a long story short... I thought it would be easier to make a rough version of what was possible than take about ten pages trying to explain it, so here it is.
![[Image: fireworks1.gif]](https://googledrive.com/host/0B3tixtS7tce7flpzeFVKcFBMd3QzVkdpRFdYUEN5bk02MC1UQW4zLVhJclJoWjNWdl9raG8/fireworks1.gif)
With the emphasis being on rough... If I had spent more time I would make sure the pops looked more realistic, but for the moment this was what I managed. I think it has possibilities.
Just some thoughts,
Mark
I really like this as it is and I really like it as an experiment. Julius is spot on about the placement of the pop's.
A couple of small nits, and only because you yourself have stated that it's experimental. The use of onomatopoeia is what really sets this up and because of that I kind of think the 'then...' line is not needed. I don't think it spoils it, I just think if there was a way to make it all onomatopoeia it would be more pure. There is a pause and it's how to indicate that slight pause. The other nit is probably me being a bit too pedantic but the title is plural but the poem has just one firework, obviously 'firework' won't make a good title but the name of a firework may... Then again it may be me overthinking it and getting muddled in my head.
Finally, this is just a crazy thought but... I've always thought that one day I would be able to use a GIF (an animated picture) for a poem that would utilise the animation aspect and tie in with the words effectively. The right poem has not occurred yet for me because I didn't want to use it for the sake of it. Your poem however has that possibility. To cut a long story short... I thought it would be easier to make a rough version of what was possible than take about ten pages trying to explain it, so here it is.
With the emphasis being on rough... If I had spent more time I would make sure the pops looked more realistic, but for the moment this was what I managed. I think it has possibilities.
Just some thoughts,
Mark
wae aye man ye radgie