Fresh and Young

[Keith]

A strong opening that goes some way to explaining or justifying what is to follow, the introduction to the fresh and young I found a bit creepy, bordering on pervy rather than a celebration of youth or capturing what it is to be young. The end I really like it made me think of Texas chainsaw and its quite sad but true that we all at some point want to feel young again. Very much enjoyed some further comments below. Keith

Fresh and Young
 
Moment to moment, a bit bland but has the rhythm of a heart beat which I like.
this old heart must decide,
if it is worth the effort,
to gather the energy,
for one more beat,
too keep this body alive. Commas already discussed but the opening is strong and sets up the reader and the poem nicely.
 
I see young children play
and I think I would not mind
having some of that energy— The phrasing of these three lines (and I think I) could be improved.
age and wisdom are highly over-rated—. Like this as again it shows regret and gives the reader understanding
Some of my peers rail and jeer
at the young girls dressed so skimpily.
"It should be banned," they say,
but they only talk that way
because they would like to partake. This as an image is ok but its old hat and the partake and It should be banned, makes it a bit pervy by bringing in a sexual connotation.  I would much rather see something new that works harder to show the reader why the old would suck the life from the young.
 
Do not be deceived by the old
with skin reptilian dry
and kisses of Death's cold. great image chainsaw esk
Given half a chance
they would take your youthful warmth  
leaving you a worthless husk to fill their place.
So do not come too close,
do not let your heart feel
sorrow for these "oldlings". I like Oldlings too, by naming them the reader is given a sense that they could be real.
 
They have, had their one chance at life this line could be paired back
and used it for good or ill,
but I will tell you a secret; not sure you need this line as its not really a secret since you already told the reader in S3
each and everyone of them has one regret.
It burns them and the burning is never done.
They burn to trade the used life they have
for one still fresh and young.   Nice ending and many will relate.
 
erthona
 
©2016

Good luck with the edit Dale, I really enjoyed reading the poem. Best Keith