Fresh and Young

[Erthona]

Tom,

" OMG. Has there been a comma storm? First four unnecessary. OK after "beat"."

I knew I would take flake over this, but I did it anyway. I also considered using a "/" to illustrate the labor in the lines that mimic the labor of the heart.

Moment to moment/
this old heart must decide/
if it is worth the effort/
to gather the energy/
for one more beat,

of course originally I had no commas, but I wanted to see the reaction.
____________________________________________________________________
"Never seen this before. Dash period?"

That's an em dash, used parenthetically, quite acceptable, used in many copyrighted works of poetry, although not in the older stuff...
____________________________________

" Conceptually sloppy. Rail at and jeer at is a difficult mix. Rail against and jeer at is fine but you may need to de re construct. Is it worth it to please me?"

You need to read more carefully there, it says " rail and jeer"  no "against", no "at".
___________________________________________________________________________  

" No. Not sense.  I do not not fully understand what you mean. Personification of death is fine and familiar but to give that old pretender "cold" leaves me puzzled."

It is somewhat awkward, I agree, but death is cold, that is when one dies, warmth leaves the body. I considered "and "kisses of cold Death" which might serve. What do you think?
_____________________________________________________________________________________

" Bitter regrets. But who is saying what and to whom?"

Time sequence mishap here. Regret does not come until later. The speaker is speaking to the young person(s) who might feel sorry for the old person and get too close, becoming a victim of the body snatchers.
__________________________________________________________________________________________

" Way too preachy and not given to general acceptance ( but I exclude myself from the consensus Is that the intent?"

Any older person who has finally admitted that it only gets worse from here because they start to have those aches and pains that no amount of diet change or exercise will remedy is a liar if they say they would not like a younger body with all the strength, energy and sense of near invulnerability it brings, of course one assumes they could bring along their spouse should they wish, were it even possible. Yet history is full of people in power searching for eternal youth, from Gilgamesh, to Kurtzweil. Anybody with a semi-satisfactory life who has reached their golden years would love to have hold of a gallon of youth serum, either to hoard it, or to bring along their friends. Certainly death comes to us all, even George Burns, but this is not about death, this is about youth. Certainly, it only makes one sour to contemplate and focus on such a thing as that is not the hand we have been dealt. Still even Dylan said in a song, referring to young men, "I'd trade places with anyone one of them in a moment if I could." (Sorry, can't recall the song, I believe it is off of the "It Ain't Dark but it's Getting There" Album, but don't hold me to it. The point, who among the oldies would refuse a youthening of 20 or 30 years? If there are those of a self righteous bent who say they are fine the way they are, I say they have smoking pants

Your grammatical and typo corrections I will of course take on board with much appreciation...as always.  

____________________________________________________________________________________

Thanks for the help,

dale