Fresh and Young

[tectak]

Fresh and Young
Hi dale,
this is a well trod path you walk on...it is well known to us both. I have resisted the compulsion to write on it, as I cannot think of anything the old can write that is new. That's the way of it...so somewhat predictably I find myself wishing I had written your words but glad I didn't. I guess I'm not old enough yet...but maybe tomorrow. To the  crit.
 
Moment to moment,
this old heart must decide,
if it is worth the effort,
to gather the energy, OMG. Has there been a comma storm? First four unnecessary. OK after "beat".
for one more beat,
too keep this body alive. to
 
I see young children play
and I think I would not mind
having some of that energy— Actually a colon would be fine here. Or a period. Or a semicolon...but a dash? Why?
age and wisdom are highly over-rated—. Never seen this before. Dash period?
Some of my peers rail and jeer
at the young girls dressed so skimpily. Conceptually sloppy. Rail at and jeer at is a difficult mix. Rail against and jeer at is fine but you may need to de re construct. Is it worth it to please me?
"It should be banned," they say, Hmmm...it?
but they only talk that way
because they would like to partake. Interesting word "partake"...especially in this context. I think I like it.
 
Do not be deceived by the old comma
with skin reptilian dry
and kisses of Death's cold. No. Not sense.  I do not not fully understand what you mean. Personification of death is fine and familiar but to give that old pretender "cold" leaves me puzzled.
Given half a chance
they would take your youthful warmth  
leaving you a worthless husk to fill their place.
So do not come too close,
do not let your heart feel
sorrow for these "oldlings". Bitter regrets. But who is saying what and to whom?
 
They have, had their one chance at life comma crazy. What the hell is it doing here?
and used it for good or ill,
but I will tell you a secret;
each and everyone of them has one regret.
It burns them and the burning is never done.
They burn to trade the used life they have
for one still fresh and young.    Way too preachy and not given to general acceptance ( but I exclude myself from the consensus ) Is that the intent?
 
erthona
 
©2016

It is angosdura.Not an easy read.
I await your explanation.
Best,Tom