03-05-2016, 09:15 PM
Erthona -
I like the idea of the poem. No women from Avalon (?), no flashing excalibur thrown into a lake. Realistic, like the film with Keira Knightley in it as a barenaked lady.
However, it is quite long and cliche ridden, starting from "relentless vigour" (maybe even"cold and dead") and ending at "cruel earth". It might be a good start to drop all the adjectives
... and most of the nouns.
I think the poem can be condensed into 3 neat stanzas, sequentially on the theme of : I didn't betray you, you betrayed me / Lancelot wasn't as hot as you / I don't fear death.
I like the idea of the poem. No women from Avalon (?), no flashing excalibur thrown into a lake. Realistic, like the film with Keira Knightley in it as a barenaked lady.
However, it is quite long and cliche ridden, starting from "relentless vigour" (maybe even"cold and dead") and ending at "cruel earth". It might be a good start to drop all the adjectives
... and most of the nouns.I think the poem can be condensed into 3 neat stanzas, sequentially on the theme of : I didn't betray you, you betrayed me / Lancelot wasn't as hot as you / I don't fear death.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe