A Cure for a Stammer edit 0.1keith,tiger

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey tectak. Unfortunately, my first impression was that the piece was gimmicky. I agree with Keith that it is an interesting idea, but for me, it doesn't go far beyond that. Try reading the piece without the stutters and think how you might critique it in the "serious" forum. (I say this because had it been posted "for fun", I would have given it an enthusiastic thumbs up.) I have to disagree with Keith about the meter. Is it "spot on"? Of course it is. You have the omnipotent power of the stutter to manipulate it. For me, it's a good story, but not overly original and mostly puh-puh propped up by a gimmick that I know you are capable of exploiting better. 
Paul

I thuh-thuh thought that I would sleep, but no.
I muh-muh must have been awake all night.
I'm sure I'm happy  nuh-nuh now but know
that wuh-wuh what I done just wasn't right.

I nuh-nuh know what people think of me.
For fuh-fuck's sake try walkin' in my shoes.
I hated kids way buh-buh back but we
were all kids then,  though that ain't no excuse.

The guh-guh girls, I saw them look  away:
and  from  behind their ears went up, a sign
that they were pullin' faces so I'd say
fuh-fuh fuck you bitch, and  lose face every time.

Except just once, her name was Clementine.
She had a kinda tick that made her twitch.
The other girls would ask  her for the time
then luh-luh laugh n' call her Wind-up Witch.

We tuh-tuh talked most evenin's walkin' back.
She tuh-tuh twitched, I stammered, but  we grinned.
The other kids would gather like a pack
and chant our names like we had somehow sinned.

One day I kissed her rough on thuh-the mouth.
I guess I thought I loved her...but she cried.
She ruh-ruh ran away back to her house
and told her puh-puh pah.Shit, how she lied.

And thuh-thuh that was when I up't an' went;
I luh-luh left a note for Wind-Up Witch.
The cops let loose the dogs, they got my scent,
and fuh-fuh found me hidin' in a ditch.

I never got the chance to tell my side.
I tried buh-but the words just wouldn't come.
The judge, she said that all along I'd lied;
that I'd turn out to be a no good bum.

She told me just one chance was all I'd get;
three months  in cuh-correction was my due.
Inside, I got the dirt from guys I met;
when I got out...I knew what I must do.

So here I stand with smokin' gun in hand.
They laughed at me but they're not laughing now.
I guess that now, at last, they understand.
My stammer's gone.Listen...listen...wow!
1tectak2016