03-02-2016, 09:49 AM
@Achebe - That stanza is a bit too abstract; I'm not satisfied with it. I shall work on it. I'm not sure if this piece is two or three parts, as it starts on one idea, moves to another, then back to the first.
@Julius - Surrealism was not a goal here, so I'll have to find a way to link the movement between the images. As far as meaning, it isn't anything deep or surreal, nor is it empty. If you want to try and see what it's about, pay attention to the parts that seem out of place. I'll have to find a way to fit them in a little better.
@Keith - Stanzas 1 and 2 are necessary, to be honest. There's a contrast to be seen from the first against the second and third. "The carriage door opened" does not fit in the least bit, but I will see about rewriting or eliminating line 3 and possibly reducing stanza 2.
@Aschueler - I suspect I'm still being far too wordy than I should be, but compressing this further without losing information is going to take a long time. Glad to see that Robert Frost is showing through, though evidently not how I had planned. I wanted to give the subtlest nod to "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening". I do like how you're approaching the piece, however (no direct allusions to Monsters, Inc., though I do quite like the movie). The existential crisis was not what I had in mind in my first drafts, though it admittedly has a place in this form. There are really only two central ideas, so the only bits I could hack off without losing those ideas would be the light flickering.
The first wave of edits might take a while, but thanks to all who have commented so far.
@Julius - Surrealism was not a goal here, so I'll have to find a way to link the movement between the images. As far as meaning, it isn't anything deep or surreal, nor is it empty. If you want to try and see what it's about, pay attention to the parts that seem out of place. I'll have to find a way to fit them in a little better.
@Keith - Stanzas 1 and 2 are necessary, to be honest. There's a contrast to be seen from the first against the second and third. "The carriage door opened" does not fit in the least bit, but I will see about rewriting or eliminating line 3 and possibly reducing stanza 2.
@Aschueler - I suspect I'm still being far too wordy than I should be, but compressing this further without losing information is going to take a long time. Glad to see that Robert Frost is showing through, though evidently not how I had planned. I wanted to give the subtlest nod to "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening". I do like how you're approaching the piece, however (no direct allusions to Monsters, Inc., though I do quite like the movie). The existential crisis was not what I had in mind in my first drafts, though it admittedly has a place in this form. There are really only two central ideas, so the only bits I could hack off without losing those ideas would be the light flickering.
The first wave of edits might take a while, but thanks to all who have commented so far.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona