03-02-2016, 06:34 AM
My advice here would be for you cut back heavily and really think about what it is you are trying to say to the reader then focus on bringing out that message. You have some strong surreal images that bring colour to the poem but the opening is rather dull and you could easily lose readers. For me you could start at S3 with and opening line such as " The carriage door opened" but this is your poem. It could be me of course that doesn't see what the poet sees so it may be worth waiting for a few other comments before you decide what your edit will look like, I notice you said you may extend this in the future I'm not sure at this stage that would be the best way to improve the poem. Best Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out