Bitter farewell

[dukealien]

(Committed the error of reading @just mercedes' critique before starting this.  Would not have noticed the change in form of address from S1 to S2, it seems so natural, but having now been alerted to it, it still seems natural and completely comprehensible, so, IMHO, stet.)

There is a thematic glitch, though, in using both Zeus and God in this soliloquy.  G. may be using Zeus as a metaphor while [the Pelagian-Christian] God is her actual belief system.  Perhaps Zeus could be tagged as "the pagan Zeus" to clear this up?  Is she suggesting that the British people were pagans while she and A. were Christian?  It's not a *bad* glitch, but could even add some power if the contrasting belief systems were placed more in opposition.  The sacrifice on the altar is also pagan, same mixed message which could be repaired in the same way.

The vampire metaphor is also a bit disconcerting:  it works, but would G. (know to) use it?

Detailed critique follows.  I enjoyed this poem very much, partly for the poem itself, partly in seeing how it threads through the varied versions of the legend.  (And pardon my shorthand, not demands, only suggestions!)

Bitter farewell

Arthur, see him lying there,
cold and dead,  Cliche
This is not the Arthur I knew,
where is the life,
the relentless vigor,
the burning intellect,  Four "the" in the last four lines - substitute descriptive adjectives, "his" for one, expunge others
That helped forge this kingdom,  Don't shilly-shally - just "forged," no "helped."  Maybe "realm" for "kingdom," also.
from petty kings?
 
How I hated you,
so noble and pure,
always the country first,
before yourself, before me.
How difficult to live
in your shadow, cold.  Confusing metaphor:  what's the sun here, if he's radiating and denying warmth in the next line?
Where was the warmth
of a husband?
 
Duty always came first to you, Near-cliche - would "ever" with a little inversion help, replacing "always?"
duty to the country.
Damn this country
that sucked the life from our love.  "Leeched" for "sucked?"
Our marriage bed so often cold,
I needed warmth,
all I received was the frigid honor  Compress to "frigid queenly honor" or the like?
of being your queen.
 
For all his burning, Lancelot
was not near so warm as you,
but your duty always
stood between us,  Cliche - changing it would also eliminate the repeated "between."
like a wall between
a cold traveler and the fire. Need more vivid word than "cold" - "frozen" or better
Damn you Arthur,
how dare you leave me now.  Exclamation point!
 
It was not the queen that betrayed you,  A bit labored (though it does read like heavy breathing).  Perhaps "The woman, not the queen betrayed you"
it was the women,
but you betrayed me first,
left me to him,
then condemned me  Is "then" necessary?
when I sought him out,
but yours was the greater affair. Perhaps "great" or even "grand"
 
You always loved this country
more than you loved me,
and then expected me
to bed down with her.
You made love to her,
let her suck the life from you,  "[D]rain" for "suck"
this vampire bitch,   Perhaps instead of vampire image, the bitch perpetually in heat?
this wanton whore, this Britain.
 
Now that she no longer
has you on which to suckle,  Again, another sound than "suck" so as to leave it for the big impact two lines down
she will now come for me.
Sucking from these barren teats,
leaving me a dried out husk,  Something - maybe "vanquished?" - instead of "dried out"
just as you, nothing left,   Here's where to use "like" rather than "just as"
not even a good meal for the worms.  Perhaps a bit of archaic cliche here - "no fit meal even for worms?"
 
They call me whore, slut,
perpetrator of treason,   traitoress
but that is only because
my sins were so petty.
You never committed petty crimes,  "Yours were never petty crimes?"
yours were always
the sins of the gods.  lose "the"
 
That is why they hate me!
My sins were so mundane,
yours were always so terribly grand.  "yours so grand and terrible?"
They forgave you, even the time
you had all those children slaughtered,   "ordered" for "had"
trying to find your errant seed,   "searching for" to avoid "trying" there
that bastard of your downfall, Mordred.  Very nice line - the first downfall was Mordred's conception, the second that of Camelot
 
No, they forgave you even that,
for wasn't that like the hand of Zeus,
striking down from the heavens
taking life indiscriminately,
for a larger purpose?  Suggestion:  "to greater purpose"
No, my real crime was being a woman,
having a woman’s needs.  Suggestion:  "with woman's needs"
 
The people of this fairyland,
will stand only so much humanness   "just" rather than "only?"
in their gods before they cast them down.
How could you leave me
all alone like this Arthur?  Need a comma, or move "Arthur?" to beginning of next line?
Leaving me to these dogs to tear; 
a piece of meat to savage.  Suggest more colorful archaism - "a joint of venison"
 
Is this then my punishment,
for betraying you?
To try to hold together what we built,
even as it rips me apart,
a butchers knife to mutton,
a sacrificial lamb,
in your place on the alter?  altar
 
I can not do it Arthur, I am not you,   cannot
I don't love this fickle land like you did.  "as" for "like"
Though for love of you,
I will lay down with you mistress,  lie ... your
even though it will be my death.  lose "even" - could even archaicize/compress to "though it be my death."
 
But what care I of death, I embrace it,  Could lose "But,"  replace "of" with "for"
for without you I am dead already,
May I join you soon my love,
let us stand before God,
and learn to love each other
as we never did on this cruel earth.  Powerful line.   Would "could" for "did" improve it?
 
 erthona
 
©2005 revised 2016