Seen through the Trees - Edit1

[Erthona]

[Image: http://www.hostthenpost.org/uploads/86f9...da7870.jpg]
            
                       Seen through the Trees


Do you, love, see those buildings through the trees, ("Do you not see" would be more natural, I stumbled badly over "love"—don't we all—I almost quit the poem there and would have if it weren't in a forum. Sorry ella)
White walls, brown-se-pi-a ve-ran-das, tall (OK)
Black windows, some with arches, by degrees
Bone-white or lightly shadowed overall?
How odd, to see a shining office park
Just past the crest of wooded, winter hills,
Between tall pines, brown dead-leafed boughs, black bark,
Beneath a sky pale January fills.
It’s all illusion:  regularly spaced (A difficult line for me, although technically correct)
Tree trunks form windows, curving limbs each arch,
Floor-levels limned by branches, all enlaced
On canvas clouds make dream-skyscrapers march.
    We see not what we see; instead we build,
    Beloved, visions not seen, only willed. (Of course the three syllable beloved, I should have expected it. )

Paul,

I have to agree with ellamyfella on the capping the start of every line, it made the piece unnecessarily difficult to read, especially with several four line sentences and the wealth of commas. The best thing one can say about the use of enjambment is that they didn't noticed it and I didn't the first time through. Personally, I think enjambment is more a solution to a problem, rather than a true trope and should be used sparingly. More times than not it comes across as unnatural, obvious and as though the person is meaning to say, look at how clever I am. Of course alliteration can be misused in a similar fashion. You pass with flying colors in both cases here, so don't break your arm. The first line put me in a bad mood and the use of "Beloved" in the last has kept me there.    What is this come kind of Modern romance novel. "Love" and "Beloved" in the same poem, I might hurl. Why is it that when people write sonnets they have to pepper them with these love poem cliche words. You have a perfectly decent poem about perspective and observation, which have nothing whatsoever to do with romance, yet you feel the need to awkwardly interject it into this otherwise solid sonnet (ha! There's some obvious alliteration!). So can we drop the "lovey" book ends and let the poem be a poem? I think we should, but it is your poem. I will still respect you in the morning. 

dale