02-26-2016, 10:34 PM
Hi duke - I see that you have started using enjambment now and then in your poems, which is great. Your poems are particularly strict in metrical count, but a little leeway there will make them sound more natural and powerful - just my 2 cents.
Some observations in red below
Some observations in red below
(02-26-2016, 11:25 AM)dukealien Wrote: [Image: http://www.hostthenpost.org/uploads/86f9...da7870.jpg]
Seen through the Trees
Do you, love, see those buildings through the trees, .... do you really need the 'love'? it feels like a filler syllable. The abruptness of the commas and the 'love', detract from the opening line. You'd need a two-syllabled synonym for 'see' for the meter - could use observe / behold etc. Not sure why this poem should be addressed to a 'love'.
White walls, brown-sepia verandas, tall
Black windows, some with arches, by degrees
Bone-white or lightly shadowed overall? .... really like the enjambment all through, but 'lightly shadowed overall' sounds like a weak attempt to fir the meter. Either use enjambment again here, or make the whole line about 'bone white'
How odd, to see a shining office park .... 'how odd, to see' isn't particularly nice
Between tall pines, brown dead-leafed boughs, black bark, ... underlined: nice
Beneath a sky pale January fills.
It’s all illusion: regularly spaced
Tree trunks form windows, curving limbs each arch,
Floor-levels limned by branches, all enlaced ... underlined: nice
On canvas clouds make dream-skyscrapers march.
We see not what we see; instead we build,
Beloved, visions not seen, only willed.
Cropped but unretouched photo.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe

