Seen through the Trees - Edit1

[ellajam]

Oh, I love this. The first line caught me as I grew up with that image from all angles. The volta is a true turn (I was seeing the buildings) and the couplet manages to rise above that cutesy feel I always have trouble avoiding in my own work. The rhyme worked perfectly for me except for one instance noted below, just what I want in a sonnet, an underlying structure that lets the poem rise above it.

I have to say that while line capitalizing is not my preference I am usually able to concede to a knowledgeable poet's choice, but in this case it bothered me, I believe because I enjoyed the well done enjambment and the out of place capitals made the transitions rougher for me.

Some notes:

[Image: http://www.hostthenpost.org/uploads/86f9...da7870.jpg]
            
                       Seen through the Trees


Do you, love, see those buildings through the trees, I love the intimate tone here.
White walls, brown-sepia verandas, tall Successful enjambment, yay.
Black windows, some with arches, by degrees again, love degrees with arches and color.
Bone-white or lightly shadowed overall?
How odd, to see a shining office park A bit of a jolt, I hadn't seen it as an office park, seems forced for me.
Just past the crest of wooded, winter hills, I like both wooden and winter, I don't think you need the comma between.
Between tall pines, brown dead-leafed boughs, black bark, Natural sounding alliteration, nice.
Beneath a sky pale January fills. Love this line.
It’s all illusion:  regularly spaced What?!
Tree trunks form windows, curving limbs each arch,
Floor-levels limned by branches, all enlaced
On canvas clouds make dream-skyscrapers march. Beautiful.
    We see not what we see; instead we build,
    Beloved, visions not seen, only willed. A little over-comma-ed but I don't see a way around that right now, lovely couplet, and a reminder of the opening intimacy, a gentle gift.

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Cropped but unretouched photo.

Thanks for posting this, my favorite poem in a while.