02-26-2016, 09:19 AM
Hi there,
Firstly I am new at critiquing, hopefully I can contribute in some way.
Personally as I read this I got a sense of mystery and allure, I don't know if thats what you intended.
I like how its a little ambiguous - if your going with mystery or the unknown.
Tears fill like rivers, the heart crystallise - alludes to personal feelings rising up, triggered by the symbolism of the owl
thats how I read it anyway.
It could be interesting to connect the owl to yourself somehow. It might be as simple as adding in an 'I' or 'My' - Just a suggestion.
Overall - the poem is alluring, but kind of disjointed. I always find it helpful to ask my self - What is the point of the poem - even if the point is that there is no point, did it come across in the poem as a whole. It always helps me focus on what the the poem needs.
Lastly there are some grammatical corrections that need to be made. i.e L10 doesn't need the 'a'
I hope that was helpful
Hardness touched the softest vision,
fluid in measure,
flushed by decision.
Time shows no mercy,
longing to ponder the night.
Tears fill rivers, the heart crystallize.
while the length reaches near,
stare forth and collide.
Left to a itself only emptiness inside.
fathom the cries, for this hour a bird takes flight.
Firstly I am new at critiquing, hopefully I can contribute in some way.
Personally as I read this I got a sense of mystery and allure, I don't know if thats what you intended.
I like how its a little ambiguous - if your going with mystery or the unknown.
Tears fill like rivers, the heart crystallise - alludes to personal feelings rising up, triggered by the symbolism of the owl
thats how I read it anyway.
It could be interesting to connect the owl to yourself somehow. It might be as simple as adding in an 'I' or 'My' - Just a suggestion.
Overall - the poem is alluring, but kind of disjointed. I always find it helpful to ask my self - What is the point of the poem - even if the point is that there is no point, did it come across in the poem as a whole. It always helps me focus on what the the poem needs.
Lastly there are some grammatical corrections that need to be made. i.e L10 doesn't need the 'a'
I hope that was helpful
Hardness touched the softest vision,
fluid in measure,
flushed by decision.
Time shows no mercy,
longing to ponder the night.
Tears fill rivers, the heart crystallize.
while the length reaches near,
stare forth and collide.
Left to a itself only emptiness inside.
fathom the cries, for this hour a bird takes flight.